It's hard for me to imagine that the government has a underground lair where it's creating synthetic humanoids for the sole purpose of making me masturbate, but the more I see Kelly Brook, the more I realize that such treacherous plots are happening all around me! The secret machinations of the government! Oh, who can know them?!

Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy are in Hawaii right now, and I think I speak for everyone when I say Jenny McCarthy looks absolutely fantastic. I don't want to brag, but so do my new batch of lemon cookies! What can I say? Jim Carrey and I are just living the dream!

Barack Obama doesn't fear terrorism, but he does fear filling up on Johnny Cakes before the peach cobbler is served.

Rip Torn knows the ground isn't level, and here I thought it was just me this whole time. [DListed]

This horrible album cover better be the last we ever hear of Sanjaya, or I'm calling immigration like the bigot I've always feared I am. [Seriously?OMG!WTF?]

Kristin Cavallari's 80s costume must have come with authentic 80s cocaine. [Hollywood Tuna]

What George Clooney would look like if we lost all respect for him [CityRag]

PETA begs Bristol Palin to give peas a chance. Meanwhile, I just killed a koala by choking it with my fist. [Celebitchy]

Pink would give Carey Hart away if he married again. Good news, because it's not like he'll fetch top dollar. [I'm Not Obsessed]

Don't you just want to shove something in Reese Witherspoon's mouth when she opens it like that? [Just Jared]

Despite several online reports yesterday claiming that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson had split up over the holidays, Lindsay fought those rumors with the weapon of choice of self-important losers - the MySpace blog!

Monday, January 05, 2009

RUMORS

little piece of TRUE information:

we did NOT break up!

access hollywood, extra, et, every tabloid, page six... AND every GOSSIP website. Get your stories straight please. It's really annoying to have all of your friends emailing you saying, i saw, i read, etc... NOT TRUE

:) xoxox Lindsay

Please, Lindsay. It's only a matter of time, sweetie. No matter how much R&D funding you donate to strap on research, it can't change the fact that Samantha Ronson will never have an actual penis. Because penises are your thing. If one day you're watching the news and the anchor says some dude in NYC was discovered with a whale dick that shoots out vodka and Red Bull, you can go ahead and assume that a genie is telling Lindsay Lohan that she has two wishes left.

Jennifer Love Hewitt and her fiance' of one year, Scottish actor Ross McCall, broke up over Christmas. They had been together for three years. People reports:

"They broke up over the holidays and have ended their engagement," says a source close to the couple. "They're both really sad about this. Even their friends are surprised; they seemed really happy. Everyone just wants the best for both of them."

Damn, it's about time. Maybe now Jennifer will lose that barrel of trans fat she's been wearing below the waist since last year and get back to being the hot piece of ass she used to be. I mean, I'm all for chicks being comfortable and happy, but sweetie, do you really need to eat that last piece of peanut butter corn dog cake? Do you? Really?

AnnaLynne McCord is the breakout star of the new Beverly Hills 90210, so that really can't be good news for the other chicks on the show. Mostly because AnnaLynne McCord's face makes her look like she should be killing teenagers in their dreams. At least she has a tight body. When asked for comment, two elementary school girls jumping rope said, "Three, four better lock your door."

For some reason, Steppin' Out Magazine (via Gawker) asked Kristin Davis, the owner of the Eliot Spitzer favorite, Wicked Models escort agency, how much she would charge for some of today's biggest stars. Sure, ok. Here are a few that she mentioned:

1. Britney Spears: If she cleaned herself up maybe I could get a thousand dollars an hour for her. But if was the old Britney before she went crazy I could have gotten $2,000 easy.

2. Paris Hilton: She would get $1,500 an hour. She's slender and doesn't have implants. She's blonde and I could get away with selling her as a Ford model.

4. Katie Holmes: Katie would be very popular because she has that All American, college girl look. She would be super popular. Men want girls who look like Howard Stern's wife; the tall slender model type or they want that non-flashy, classically beautiful fresh face young look. The girl next door whom they could never get. They want the runway model they can't have now, or the prom queen they couldn't have then. I could probably get $2,500 an hour for Katie. Maybe even $3,000. I could max out on her.

5. Angelina Jolie: She would be my top girl. I call it my “Number one.” I would put her at $2,000 an hour. But you couldn't get her unless you booked her for 4 hours. I wouldn't let her go for just an hour. Maybe if you were a good client you could get her for an hour, but I would charge a lot more. At least $2,500.

8. Lindsay Lohan: She would do great! She's got that fresh face and freckles. Men would eat her up! I could get $1,800 an hour for Lindsay….Easy! I would let her go for just the hour. She would work more volume for me. Short stays and busy all night. But I'm sure I could get clients to extend time with her if I asked.

9. Rihanna: I think she is stunning and gorgeous. If I were a client I would choose her. But honestly, I don't have a market for her. She couldn't work for me. It's unfortunate. The African American and Asian models never do well. Rihanna wouldn't bring in any business for me.

I have a penis, so I think I'm qualified to say that the only person on this list who would make any money would be Angelina Jolie. Seriously. If Angelina was a prostitute, I probably wouldn't be the first guy to wonder where I could hire a dwarf to spin straw into gold.


This is only $1,000? Ooh la la:

As you may already know, Jett Travolta, the 16-year old son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston, died on Friday of blunt trauma to the head after he suffered a seizure in the bathroom of his family's Bahama vacation home. As you may not already know, I look awesome in turtlenecks! Anyway, here's all the Travolta crap that happened this weekend. Brace yourself:

Jett had seizures every four days that were "like death" except when, you know, they were "very much like death". [TMZ]

The EMT who responded to the scene says Travolta and Preston begged Jett to wake up in the ambulance. He also noticed Travolta's hair. [FOXNews]

"The Scientology celebrity ethics officer would also actively look for one or more people in the Travoltas' circle of friends, acquaintances who might be antagonistic to or even anti-Scientology and who could have had sufficient negative influence to "cause" such a tragedy. That person would then be the target of possible disconnection (shunning), firing or lawsuit/fair game." Sweet! [Why We Protest]

Jett's two nannies, Jeff and Ana Kathrein, left him unattended for 10 hours. What could go wrong? [TMZ]

Jeff Kathrein (banner picture) is John Travolta's long-time rumored live in gay lover. [Gawker]

Ana Kathrein is a Grade III Scientologist and a wedding photographer. Man, how did they get someone with such qualifications to take care of their son who suffered from several severe medical conditions? Just lucky I guess! [Gawker]

Travolta and Preston have released a statement. It made kitty sad. [US Magazine]

The autopsy results may be available today. Hopefully it will be able to solve the mystery of how a person can die from having a seizure then banging their head on a bathtub. I just can't figure it out! [USA Today]