Anne Hathaway is a skinny, brunette with great tits (NSFW), so I'm basically morally obligated to post these pictures of her in GQ. Just like I'm morally obligated to post pictures of my penis on my Craigslist. Chicks think I'm deep because I have "BE" tattooed on my penis. That's before they see it actually says "BEAST MODE". They're still right about the deep part of course, but not for the reasons they initially thought.

Part 1 of The Insider's "OMG, Lindsay is a secret celebrity hoarder but we just want to show you how much cool stuff she has while we kiss her ass" is online, and Niecy Nash and Lindsay's Marlboro and semen encrusted voice take you on a magical journey of lunacy and an unintentional infomercial for shock therapy. But, oh no, Lindsay doesn't need a psychiatric professional or medication to deal with this, she needs a sassy black woman to tell us about all the "mayhem and foolishness" and "framed pitchers" all up in Lindsay's house. But Lindsay betta not get shame now, because mama is here to clean house!

Lindsay in a bikini last year because I'm lazy:

Um, yeah. ONTD says:

A Shoreview man obsessed with TV star Eliza Dushku drove to California with plans to deliver four scripts he had written to her at a charity benefit. The scripts, written over many months, were for her canceled science fiction drama "Dollhouse". The charity event was canceled and the man was reported missing but later found somewhere in L.A. Tore Simonsen, 37, was a successful lawyer until he took off to L.A behind his family's back. He was flown home by his sister however his car is still somewhere in L.A. with the scripts still in the trunk. The man now lives in a homeless shelter in Minneapolis and has made it his mission to save Eliza Dushku's show "Dollhouse". He is currently involved in some legal drama as he sought an order against Catholic Charities homeless shelter -- they wouldn't allow him to hand out Dollhouse fliers or to take their picture. Catholic Charities requested a continuance, which the judge granted, so the judicial hearing is delayed until Feb. 11.

I've never seen an episode of Dollhouse, but apparently it emits an insidious transmission through your TV that turns you into dumbass. That's why my foster mother only lets me watch porn. She even makes me cookies before we watch it. I don't know what's in them but they make me really sleepy because she knows I don't like naptime. She loves me so much!

David Kiely, an employee at the Macquarie Bank in Australia, was looking at pictures of Miranda Kerr at his desk while in full view of the Seven Network news camera that was interviewing Martin Lakos, another employee at the bank, about interest rates. Kiely is now under internal investigation and may be fired. Miranda to the rescue! AFP reports:

Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr said she would happily sign a petition urging Macquarie Bank not to fire David Kiely, who is under internal investigation after the incident this week. Kiely was shown clicking on semi-naked pictures of Kerr, apparently unaware that a colleague behind him was being interviewed for Australia's Seven Network about interest rates. Video of the gaffe generated hundreds of thousands of hits on YouTube and inspired several Facebook pages supporting the banker, as well as a popular "Save Dave" campaign by London-based business website hereisthecity.com. "I am told there is a petition to save his job and of course I would sign it," Kerr told reporters in Sydney on Thursday.

It's part of my job to look at Miranda Kerr pictures all day, but maybe I can take my laptop to Chuck E. Cheese at look at them there, so something like this would happen. Then Miranda Kerr can sign my petition. And my "petition", I mean "cock".

Note: I wonder how much postage I have to pay for mailing in this post?

Since she's a clingy, overbearing pit of need and insecurity who can't find someone to cum inside her without being hypnotized and needs a PR team to make you think she has a boyfriend, Jennifer Aniston has now moved on to plan B.
Us Magazine reports:

Jennifer Aniston, 40, is through with famous men, says an insider, who notes that the actress was left "really messed up and heartbroken" by singer John Mayer. "She wants to be set up with a wealthy businessman, not a celebrity," the insider says in the new issue of Us Weekly, on newsstands now. Though her rep says Aniston "does not place restrictions on the people who may come into her life," the insider says pals like Courteney Cox are hoping she'll settle with an "older, mature man." Still, one pal doubts the resolution will stick: "She always ends up drifting back to actors and musicians. Her friends want a normal guy, but she's drawn to the attention."

For her sake, I really hope this works out, because at this point her only other option is stuffing sawdust in whatever she can sneak out of the morgue.

I got a lot of emails yesterday asking why didn't post the results of Brittany Murphy's toxicology report. Well, mostly because I already called it. But in case you're wondering, you'll never guess how she died!! OMG, it's so shocking!! TMZ reports:

Brittany Murphy's cause of death has been determined: An accidental death caused by "community acquired pneumonia," iron deficiency anemia, and multiple drug intoxication.

In other shocking news, Brittany's death could have been prevented if, you know, she didn't take drugs.

Sources say the primary causes of Murphy's death were pneumonia and severe anemia. L.A. County Coroner officials believe Brittany's condition was "treatable" but no one took her to the hospital in time. As for the multiple drugs found in her system, we're told they were both prescription, including medicine for cramps, and over-the-counter medications, including cough syrup. Our sources say the drugs "pushed her over the line" but the underlying problems were the pneumonia and anemia. In other words, Brittany was really sick, didn't get treatment and by self-medicating it pushed her over the line.

Of course, Simon Monjack is skeptical because he thought an actress with a mountain of prescription drugs lying around the house died of a broken heart.

Simon said he is "ridiculously upset" by the findings and claimed his wife was "not that ill". Simon said: "Everything surprised me and Brittany's mom about the report. "I expected the cause of death to be her heart." "She wasn't coughing up. I've had pneumonia and coughed up handfuls of spittle. So yeah, everything surprised us, everything."

So to recap, a 32-year old, 100 pound white chick died of cardiac arrest because she happened to get pneumonia when she was this loser's prescription drug mule. Not to sound all scientific, but I had pneumonia last year and the only drugs in my system were antibiotics. I know it's hard to believe I'm typing this now. How did I ever live to tell the tale?!

These pictures of Christina Hendricks walking around LA yesterday might confuse you, because she doesn't have her gigantic rack hanging out, but if you're gonna survive, you must learn situational awareness. The 600 series had rubber skin. We spotted them easy, but these are new. They look human... sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot. I had to wait till she moved on the magazine rack before I could jack off.

What's up, Common?!

You're not gonna believe this, but Lindsay Lohan is way more fucking crazy than initially thought. Daily Mail reports:

At just 23 years old, her volatile relationships, rift with her father and worries about her use of prescription drugs fill the tabloids. But behind closed doors the actress has been hiding another concerning issue. She is a secret hoarder - her luxury Los Angeles home is filled to the rafters with expensive but discarded purchases. Video footage from inside her mansion shows rooms piled high with bundles of clothes, boxes of shoes stacked to the ceiling and discarded purchases lying unopened. One bedroom is completely converted into a shoe closet, the hundreds of boxes labelled with photos of their contents. Even the living room is unusable, with tables and chairs covered in clutter and clothing.

I don't even know if this surprises me or not, because well, it's Lindsay Lohan. The cameras could have found her house could be filled with jars of vampire blood and midgets riding tricycles, and I would have just nodded my head and checked to see if I had any lettuce for my tuna sandwich.