Despite several online reports last week that Miranda Kerr was engaged to Orlando Bloom and they would be married next year, representatives for the actor released a statement this weekend denying the engagement. They've been dating for a while and they probably are actually engaged, but I'd rather not speculate. I'd much rather wait until it's official. Because once I release these insentient, genetically-engineered sabretooth tigers, they won't stop, ever, until the sounds of Orlando Bloom's screams have been made silent. Muhahahaha!!!!