I wasn't born with balls, but I'm an expert at handling them according to the varsity letters I've been awarded and the smiles I've put on faces. As such, I'm qualified to say Cristiano Ronaldo's girlfriend is doing it all wrong. If you don't believe me, look at Ronaldo's grumpy-face.

If you have a short gag reflex, you might not want to look at these pictures of Britney Spears at Sur in West Hollywood the other night. Mostly because it looks like Britney's ass is growing a beard. I don't know the level of self-esteem it would take to wear this dress with hair growing out of your ass, but needless to say, Britney Spears could teach the class. If Britney's ass was bent over in front of me, I would be pretty sure that I was gay.



Thanks to Reggie and Tanya for sending these in, and by "thanks" we mean "you're gross."

So, you remember when Jessica Simpson wore this shirt? Yeah, apparently Pamela Anderson really didn't like it. The Sun reports:

Speaking on radio in Australia - where she's waiting to go into the Big Brother house - the star slammed her rival buxom blonde. Pammi blasted: "I think she is a bitch and a whore. Actually, I don't know if she was talking about food or men."

Jessica Simpson is an idiot, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Pamela Anderson was using the term "whore" figuratively here. Because if we were giving away gold medals to whores, Pamela Anderson would be in China in about a month hoping to set the world record in the Vagina Stretch.

Pam and Tommy Lee at Starbucks last week:


Jessica Simpson in Manhattan last week:

Anne Hathaway was in a relationship with real estate developer and con man, Raffaello Follieri, for four years and during that time she served on the board of his company, The Follieri Group. The company that fraudulently took millions from investors in a real estate scheme involving Vatican properties in the United States. These millions paid for Follieri and Hathaway's opulent lifestyle which included private jets, vacations on yachts, and extravagant shopping sprees. Follieri was arrested last week and his bail was set at $21 million. Anne Hathaway was conveniently out of the country at the time. Gee, I wonder how that happened? New York Daily News reports:

A pal of jailed wheeler-dealer Raffaello Follieri suspects the starlet spoke with the FBI shortly before they arrested her ex for an alleged $6 million con job. "It makes sense," the friend said. "She's referred to as his former girlfriend in the indictment even though her spokesman never confirmed they broke up." Hathaway, who is not identified by name in the criminal complaint, split with Follieri shortly before his arrest last week. He is charged with posing as an agent of the Vatican to fleece investors out of millions. "I think that in return for her cooperation, the feds held off on arresting Follieri until she was out of the country," the friend said."

Anne Hathaway was unable to rent an actual bus to literally drive over Follieri with, so talking to the Feds seems like it was a pretty reasonable option. Sources say Hathway's other ideas included planting a severed head in his refrigerator and putting a picture of a naked Korean boy as his email signature.

Anne at the Get Smart photocall in Mexico on June 25th:


Photos: Splash

Amy Winehouse performed at Glastonbury this weekend and she was so glad to be out of the hospital she punched woman in the audience. Haaretz:

While wrapping up her hour-long set with the hit "Rehab," Winehouse climbed off the Pyramid stage, got closer to the crowd and mingled with some fans. At one point, the singer appears to elbow, and then punch, an unidentified concertgoer, after which which security personnel who were following the singer ushered Winehouse away. The troubled singer's representative told Sky News that a woman had grabbed her hair and Winehouse was trying to push her away."

I don't even know why those security guards had to pull Amy away because I think that fan got the message. You know, because nothing is more scary than an 80-pound woman with rotting skin and spots on her lungs. Well, maybe nothing except that time at the Double Dutch State finals where we faced the three-time champions, The Hot Chili Steppers. In the end, they just weren't ready for my donkey kick.

Note: The elbow/punch happens at the 4:30 mark, but if you like the soothing, soulful sounds of a dog after it got hit by a car, feel free to watch the whole thing.

Amy at Glastonbury:


Photos: Splash

Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Will Smith emphatically denies that he is a member of the Church of Scientology. That makes sense, because most actors join pledge allegiance to Scientology to help their careers, but Will Smith already owned July 4th. So with his box office clout and now Scientology behind him, Hancock should a record-smashing hit, right? Uh, not really. FOX News reports:

Alas, all good hype must come to an end. "Hancock," with which Sony is hoping to have a merry July 4, 2008, may not duplicate Smith's previous successes. It is one of the worst family holiday weekend releases of recent memory - and jaw-droppingly so....And that's hard to do since it clocks in at a mere wisp of one hour and 20 minutes. In such brevity there should be a reward. After all, "Hancock," directed by Peter Berg, is shorter than most Woody Allen comedies. There's nothing funny here, however, or witty or clever or even developed beyond an idea that should never have been executed in this way...unlike other crass films of this month, such as "Zohan" and "Love Guru," the coarseness of "Hancock" is a wildly under-calculated mistake....An hour and 20 minutes later, here are things you will not know: who Hancock is, where he and Theron came from (It's telegraphed with the subtlety of a mallet that she has a past with him) and who the persons fighting them are (I have no idea)....It is said the legion of writers and directors who came and went before "Hancock" was initiated had a "black" comedy in mind - something that sent up the idea of super heroes. But a mess has been made in the process and $150 million wasted...Columbia says "Hancock" is tracking well, and I'll bet it's right. The first couple of days - next Wednesday and Thursday - should be big. The fear, I'm sure, though, is that by Friday, July 4, the word will be out."

Almost every major online review of Hancock basically says the same thing, so I guess it makes it funnier when you realize it will be sandwiched between what will be the two biggest movies of the summer - Wall*E (June 27) and The Dark Knight (July 18). By July 19th, the only way you'll be able to see Hancock is on the side of a wall in Mexico from a camera powered by a donkey.

Note: If you're an asshole like me and you like to dazzle people with plot details in the movie before they happen, you can read Hancock's here. You'll be the envy of all your friends!

Will Smith and Charlize Theron in Berlin at the German premiere of Hancock:

After dating for a year, Uman Thurman and Swiss financier and multi-millionaire, Arpad "Arki" Busson, are engaged. People reports:

In return for saying yes, the actress received some serious sparkle: an 8-plus carat center stone surrounded by 20 smaller stones. "It's the most beautiful piece I've ever seen," says a close source of the diamond ring. "Arki did a wonderful job."...It would be the third marriage for Thurman, who has a son and daughter with ex Ethan Hawke, whom she divorced in 2003. Her marriage to Gary Oldman ended in 1992. Busson has two sons with former supermodel Elle Macpherson, from whom he split in 2005."

I know society likes to look down on women marrying multi-millionaires who give them 8-carat diamond rings, but sometimes you cannot stop the machinations of the heart. When will people learn that you cannot stop true love!

Brooke Hogan gets Photoshopped for Maxim [Hollywood Tuna]
Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong kiss in public [Popsugar]
Lindsay Lohan has a secret sister [Dlisted]
Halle Berry is a gladiator girl [Just Jared]
Mary-Kate Olsen and her stupid pouty face do Letterman [Lainey Gossip]
Miley Cyrus licks black people (NSFW ads) [Drunken Stepfather]
Suzanne Somers panty flash on HSN (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Coco's implants might need a tune up [Hollywood Rag]
Dr. Phil is a Mr. Potato Head [City Rag]
Paris Hilton is going to sing again [ASL]
Marisa Miller disappoints on TRL [Popoholic]
Katherine Heigl is bending over [Egotastic]
We're Gonna Find Adventure in the Evening Air (Wall*E) [Pajiba]
Deadwood: Every Curse [College Humor]

Amy Winehouse performing at Nelson Mandela's birthday concert yesterday: