I'm pretty sure the authorities are gonna confiscate my laptop, and God help me for saying this, but Ali Lohan looks way hotter than Lindsay. But please keep in mind, the bar isn't set real high. Comparing these two is like comparing shark attack photos.

I'm pretty sure these pictures violate some section of Megan's Law, but here's Ali Lohan on vacation in Hawaii with her big(?) sister Lindsay. On vacation from what, I'm not exactly sure. Maybe brushing her hair in the mirror or texting in the mall gets tiring. Unlike when my penis enters talent shows. To be honest, I do make it look easy.



Photo credit: Splash

I'm not sure if the paparazzi sleep in their vans in Maui waiting for celebrities in bikinis, but lucky for them, Lindsay Lohan showed up. Or unlucky for them. Mostly because she's a drunk, freckled mess with no ass and tits that look like they're trying to go metal detecting. Sticking your penis in that would be like fucking a fondue pot.

Lindsay Lohan has been dropping weight like an amputee lately, and for some reason, people think it's not due to proper diet and exercise. Gee, I wonder what it could be? People reports:

Lindsay Lohan's svelte figure is not the result of healthy eating and exercise, but instead due to her downing Red Bull, smoking cigarettes and eating candy, comes a new report claiming the actress, 22, is on a liquid diet that consists of drinking at least three Red Bull energy drinks a day. But Lohan's rep is slamming such rumors, telling PEOPLE exclusively: "Lindsay has always enjoyed a Red Bull, but she eats. Everybody needs to mind their own business and stop worrying about what Lindsay eats or doesn't eat."

Of course Lindsay will get through this, because her mom, Dina Lohan, isn't enabling at all. She's a tough but fair matriarch who always puts discipline and wisdom at the forefront of her child's lives. Oh, wait.

When a 46-year-old mom wants to take her daughters out for a special night, a Hollywood nightclub might seem a curious choice. Not so for Dina Lohan, who took Lindsay, 22, and Ali, 15, to Villa on March 25,.."Do you know who I am?" Dina protested when they were turned away at the door because of Ali’s age. "You're making a huge mistake. Huge!" Lindsay added.

Lindsay and Ali have a 12 year old brother, Cody, so we don't have that much time. Somebody needs to hurry up and parachute him into a island prison colony or throw him in a bear cave, because anything would be better than being raised by this insane bitch.

I'm not sure who decided today was going to be IDLYITW Pedo Appreciation Day, but here's the 15 year old tarted up hussy, Ali Lohan doing a photoshoot n NYC. I see her bitch mom wasted no time in getting her implants, but at least the pictures are somewhat tasteful. Unlike the pictures she's gonna take in about five years when nobody wants to hire her and she's ran out of money for coke and heroin. I don't want to speculate, but I think they might include a ball gag and something hydraulically powered.

Lindsay Lohan has gone the full anorexic. It's a lot like the "full retard" from Tropic Thunder. You can be a little anorexic, or a little bulimic, but if you commit to the the lifestyle 100%, you end up looking like this.

I don't know how her and Samantha Ronson "relate" to each other. Lindsay's hip-bones are exposed and perfectly positioned to poke out Ronson's eyes when bed time get steamy. Maybe if Linds returned the favor and was eating something besides SamRo once a month, we wouldn't be in this skinny situation.

Lindasy and Ali Lohan inexplicably were sighted in a commoner's drug store yesterday, a far cry from their usual stores where the extract of baby seal souls is bottled and sold right alongside designer footwear and dresses made of rarest dried dolphin intestine.

I am, of course, alluding to Hide and Chic the popular, but secret, celebrity store that only sells items made from cute animals.

Yesterday, rumors were everywhere that Ali Lohan, 14, got breast implants. Responding to those rumors via her MySpace blog, Lindsay Lohan is upset. She wants you to believe that Ali Lohan's non-existent chest miraculously doubled in size overnight. Lindsay says:

hey everyone..i just had to share something that came up today and it made me feel a bit sick to my stomach. so, here's the visual...me and my friend Patrick walking into a store, and two paparazzi come up out of nowhere (like usual) and start throwing questions at me...one of them being, "Hey Lindsay, what do you have to say about people commenting on your sisters implants?" WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my response simply was, "Did you really just ask me that? She is a 14 year old girl, and you are a pedophile!" i was caught out of nowhere so i didn't really come up with the proper response at the time.. there's many other things that i felt like saying, but why give it to a random guy with a camera so that he can make money! All i am trying to say is, is that, i was raised with a wonderful family surrounding me, of course we have our ups and downs, but all in all my mother taught us to appreciate what we have been given. Nor would she ever encourage, or allow a 14 year old child to alter her body. i am not judging people that do, but i am just saying that its not something that my family finds necessary to do, especially when you're not even fully developed yet!"

Whatever, Lindsay. Either your sister got stung by a mutant bee or she got implants. Just like you did. And by the way, you might want to rethink using the whole "why give it to a random guy" argument. Considering the fact that your vagina has been pounded more than dough, you can see how people might not be that receptive.


Photos: Splash