Since Angelina Jolie's vagina is like that tractor beam on the Death Star for all her male co-stars (Johnny Miller, Billy Bob Thornton, Brad Pitt), somebody doesn't like that she is currently filming The Tourist with Johnny Depp. Specifically, his girlfriend of 12 years and mother of his two children.
The New York Post reports:

But Johnny Depp's longtime gal pal has no intention of joining the trail of brokenhearted Hollywood ladies left crying to Oprah Winfrey after Angelina Jolie stole their men. So when Vanessa Paradis found out her "Pirates of the Caribbean" stud and Jolie were to shoot a passionate love scene in their new movie "The Tourist," she ordered Depp to find another gig, a source told The Post. Paradis "found out that there was a real long and intense love scene between [Depp] and Jolie," a source close to the project said. "He's currently trying to [get out of the movie], but I don't know if he's succeeded. But he's trying and they're talking about replacing him with [Jolie's partner] Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio." Paradis, Depp's partner of 12 years with whom she has two kids, doesn't have to look deep into Jolie's past to find reasons to worry.

Angelina Jolie could be stricken with leprosy and have have golf balls for eyes and still be a billion times hotter than Vanessa Paradis, but Johnny Depp doesn't seem like the type who would be lead by his dick (his girlfriend case in point). Unlike me of course. If I was Johnny Depp, every time she walked by my trailer she would need Hannibal Lecter to whisper to me until I swallowed my own tongue.

Johnny Depp on the set of The Tourist. Oops:

Angelina Jolie is in Paris shooting The Tourist with Johnny Depp right now. In related news, my penis is in the other room complaining about his IV. But after seeing these pictures, the doctor thinks it's best that he gets rest and plenty of fluids.

Britain's News Of The World ran a story last week that OMG BRAD AND ANGELINA ARE BREAKING UP!!! I guess somebody should have told them before they made reservations for dinner. People reports:

"Angie and Brad were actually out to dinner together in Los Angeles when the rumor broke," says the source. "That's how ridiculous [the story] is." At the time, multiple sources told PEOPLE the report, which originated in a British tabloid, was "totally false."

I don't know if she still has the receipt, but Jennifer Aniston might want to check the return policy for that voodoo doll and love candle. I can't shake the feeling the salesperson lied to her.

Apparently falling into a deep depression after Brad Pitt moved out to film a movie, Angelina Jolie tried to kill herself. "Wait, what now? Dude," my penis said as he lifted his head up from his nap. The National Enquirer reports:

The sultry brunette beauty confessed to Brad that she was afraid her suicidal tendencies would return after learning that he'd made plans to move out
on his own, according to insiders. But the big-screen hunk assured her the separation would be temporary, and their love would survive the split, sources say. "Brad was in France checking on their chateau recently, and Angelina was in Los Angeles with the kids when she called him in a panic," a friend divulged. "She told him, 'When you're not around, I get these terrible feelings. I got the same feelings when I was younger, and that's when I tried to kill myself.' "Angelina said, 'I feel lost without you - like I'm being abandoned.'" But Brad, 46, immediately reassured the high-strung Angelina that he wasn't leaving her for good, even though he'll be living apart from her and their six children while they work on separate movie projects, the friend revealed. "Brad quickly calmed Angelina down. "I'll always be there for you and the kids. I promise.'"

I guess there are worse things than being known as the guy who made one of the most beautiful women in the world try to kill themselves because you said you were leaving for a few months. I can see how that would be a good pick up line.

Daniel Edwards, the sculptor who obviously was abused by his parents, has unveiled his new sculpture of a naked Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie called, "Brangelina Forever." No, it's not creepy at all. PR Newswire reports:

Phantom-Financial announces the December unveiling of the sculpture of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in an amorous embrace by artist Daniel Edwards, just minutes from Brad Pitt's own birthplace in the Oklahoma City Metro area. The sculpture is part of the 4,000 Sq Ft, $500,000 house named "The Brangelina," by the Los Angeles artist known as Xvala. "Brangelina Forever," a life-size casting of Brad and Angelina in bed, making love Harlequin Romance-style, with a cooing dove perched on Brad's finger, is installed in the ceiling of the master bedroom to inspire a 'sexual healing' for the room's occupants. The statues are embedded with crushed glass containing Brad and Angie's DNA obtained from wine glasses from which they drank while reportedly celebrating the anniversary of their first meeting on the set of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." "The 'Brangelina' sculpture is destined to exist forever, the way Brad and Angie's relationship will persist in peoples' memories. Theirs is the Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton romance of our time," said publicist Cory Allen. Inspired by Brad Pitt's mission to help rebuild houses in New Orleans's Lower Ninth Ward after Hurricane Katrina, the artist Xvala built "The Brangelina," a house which requests its future owners agree to extend 'Honorary Ownership' of their home to Pitt and Jolie, and to accommodate them every time they come to town to visit Pitt's grandmother. "I believe every home in America should become an 'honorary home' to our Superstars, in order to connect celebrities and regular people in spirit," said Xvala.

Everybody involved with this is clearly on drugs, so I just want to point out that I would probably still have sex with this sculpture of Angelina. Because, seriously? Who are we kidding? I've had worse.

Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and one of their 70 cents a day kids showed up to the premiere of Invictus last night and I really hope they just got robbed at gunpoint immediately before this picture was taken because they look like absolute hell. Brad Pitt probably looks like this for a movie, but Angelina looks like she's been rollin and can't wait to put Vick's vapor rub on a hot wash cloth and put on her face while somebody waves around glow sticks. And what the hell is up with Maddox? Should he even be there? Because I'm pretty sure the blood splatter analysis has came back on that Vacation Murders victim.

During the 2008 election, hero-worshipping Hollywood stars were praying for the day that Obama would let them literally kiss his ass, so you'd think Angelina Jolie would jump at the chance to meet him. Um, that would be a no. US Weekly reports:

Barack Obama does not have Angelina Jolie's seal of approval. "She hates him," a source close to the U.N. goodwill ambassador, 34, tells the new issue of Us Weekly (on newsstands now). "She's into education and rehabilitation and thinks Obama is all about welfare and handouts. She thinks Obama is really a socialist in disguise," adds the source. But don't expect to see the Salt actress rally against Democrats on Fox News like her staunch Republican father, Jon Voight. "Angie isn't Republican, but she thinks Obama is all smoke and mirrors," the source says.

Whatever. I think Angelina Jolie might be overreacting a little bit. Obama can't even pick out a White House dog without taking longer than a murder trial and the only thing he's won recently is basically Mr. Congeniality at the Nobel Peace Prize awards and 2nd runner up at the Olympic selection ceremony. It's almost 2010 and Terry Schiavo has accomplished more than he has in the past year. The only way Obama could turn this country into socialist nightmare in the next 72 months is if he managed to resurrect Stalin and gives him Apache Chief's powers.

Hey now:

Radar Online has found long lost modeling photos of Angelina Jolie when she was a 16-year old model with the Finesse Model Management agency. And just to revisit this post, you now have a visual of what this dude was banging. I'm not even sure a judge would prosecute if he saw this walk in the courtroom. In a more likely scenario, the courtroom doors would close behind you and a disco ball would drop from the ceiling then the judge would plug in his iPod and start making margaritas.