And it only took one broken marriage, seven years, and six kids.

TMZ reports:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are finally engaged -- this according to Brad's rep.
Brad's manager Cynthia Pett-Dante released a statement confirming the engagement, but says there's no wedding date yet -- as of now, the engagement is simply a "promise for the future."
Angelina was photographed on Wednesday wearing what appears to be her engagement ring. Click here for the photo.

So why this show of commitment now? Brad and Angelina always said they wouldn't get married until gay marriage was legal, but then their kids are too young to understand the complex realities surrounding basic civil rights. So the official word is they are doing this because the kids want them to, but we all know what this is really about. Angie is in talks to star with Michael Fassbender in The Counselor, which starts filming this summer. She is a man-eater with a documented penchant for her co-stars. And she's probably seen Shame. Brad has probably seen Shame. (You should go watch Shame.) Everyone knows what the younger, hotter Irishman is packing. So cheating is pretty much inevitable. Brad can only hope the prongs on that boulder rip out some of Michael's ginger short and curlies every time Angie rips his pants off.

If there are any 14-year old dudes reading this site and you're at school today thinking you're an uncoordinated dork who'll never get laid, have faith. Because here's Brad Pitt at 14 in 1977 posing for a team picture for the Cherokee Rejects in Springfield, Missouri. Apparently his go to play was to clap his hands and dance whenever he saw someone eating a Berries and Cream Starburst. Flash forward 20 years later, and Moses couldn't part the sea of pussy waiting to jump on his dick. Then Angelina Jolie agreed to let him not pull out. So, relax. It gets better.

Source = Us Magazine

"Ok, Jennifer. You really need to stop calling me like this. I told you, my dad's busy. Look, I gotta go. I have Joseph Kony on the other line for my sister."

I realize the bumper sticker on the back of your SUV says that you're proud parent of a terrific kid, but your kid's parents aren't Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and they don't get to walk a giant bulldog around New Orleans with a bodyguard so they probably want you to take that shit off. Gawd, why do you have to be so embarrassing all time? What the hell is wrong with you?!

Brad Pitt didn't win Best Actor for Moneyball, but I actually feel for bad for the other guys nominated in this category who didn't win. Mostly because they didn't get head from Angelina Jolie on the way home.

Oh, Brad you sly dog! Having unprotected sex with the woman you've been in a committed relationship with for six years! Hahaha, you're still full of surprises, bro! OK Magazine reports:

Lately, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have dropped some none-too-subtle hints that they'd like to add to their brood of six children. The smart money seemed to be on adoption — though Angelina did say recently, "I could end up pregnant." Turns out she wasn't toying with us: A source close to the Oscar-winner reveals that Angelina is expecting her seventh child and telling friends she can't wait to be a mom again. "She's almost three months along," the source confirms to OK!. "It's not something she wants to officially announce but she's at a point where she is telling a select group of people." Adds an insider: Angelina is really savoring every moment. she's having a tough time with morning sickness but says it's all worth it."

Let me preface this by saying that this is OK! reporting this, so take it however you want. They reported that Jon Benet Ramsey was pregnant with twins and I had a really big penis once, so they have a well documented history of just making shit up. That being said, if it's true, fuck you Brad Pitt.

As Paul Mooney once said, Angelina Jolie could bring a live chicken home and say she adopted it and Brad Pitt would jump up and say, "Come here, chicken! I'm your new daddy!". And this is one of the reasons why. For his 48th birthday, she bought him a waterfall. A WATERFALL.Us Magazine reports:

The In the Land of Blood and Honey director, 36, purchased a waterfall in California for longtime love Brad Pitt, according to The Daily Mail. The grand gesture served as both Pitt's 48th birthday and Christmas presents. Pitt, who has six children with Jolie, is planning to build a house over the waterfall inspired by his favorite American architect, Frank Lloyd Wright. "Brad has dreamed of a home with the sound of a waterfall cascading under the house," a source tells the site. "He wants to pull all aspects of nature, light, glass and varying levels into the concept." "Angelina wanted to get him something incredibly special and, because she knows how much he loves architecture, she thought this would be perfect," a source tells The Daily Mail. "This is the present to top all presents."

It's already been well-documented that Angelina will fuck you anywhere at anytime and she might even ask one of her chick friends to join in. Now after that, instead of getting a sandwich, you get a fucking waterfall. Step your game up, ladies.

Because he wasn't already pretty much perfect. Us Weekly says:

Brad Pitt isn't just a good-looking movie star: he's also an everyday hero! The 47-year-old father of six was filming a scene for his new movie World War Z in Glasgow, Scotland Thursday when one of 700 extras stumbled to the ground and was nearly trampled. Without hesitating, Pitt scooped the woman up and brought her back to her feet. "Lots of people hurt themselves and Brad came to the rescue of one woman who slipped," a set source told The Scottish Sun. "I don't think she could believe it when Brad picked her up." "He didn't have time to speak to her as it was mid-shoot. But she said afterwards how grateful she was, despite having a badly grazed knee."

Brad Pitt helped a girl up. He and his wife adopt orphans and donate the gross domestic product of Belize to charities every ten minutes, but helping a girl up makes him a hero? Someone should let more women know this is the only criterion. So many more of you would get laid at last call.

So, this is Lara Marsden. Lara Marsden is Brad Pitt's personal assistant on World War Z. Here's more of her MySpace pics. According to tabloids, Lara is apparently "very friendly" with Pitt, so of course that means they're fucking. I mean, why wouldn't they? Pitt is basically married to one of the most beautiful women to have ever walked the earth, has six children, and just bought a mansion in France where they all could live. So why wouldn't he fuck the chick who brings him his coffee and posts pics on MySpace of her doing flips in her kitchen? It makes perfect sense when you think about it.