Nobody asked, but Britney Spears is recording tracks for her new album, and surprisingly, Justin Timberlake has agreed to do a duet with Spears. Well, not really a duet, Justin Timberlake will be actually singing and a magic computer will take whatever the hell Britney does and try to hide it in [insert African-American producer of the moment]'s beats. OK! says:

Britney Spears is getting a helping hand from an ex-flame. Superstar Justin Timberlake will record a duet for her new album, OK! reveals exclusively."

I know Britney fans will read this and think these two are back together, but sorry to break it to you. They're not. Justin Timberlake is hitting this, so I hope you aren't confused as to why he doesn't want to rekindle a romance with a fat, medicated mother of two who pays child support. You might also be confused as to why Jessica Biel is banging Justin Timberlake. Especially since she knows I want to mark her with my scent. The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked, who can know it?

Britney out shopping this weekend:

Seriously, is Britney Spears trying to break some sort of record? Exactly how much smoke does she want to blow in her kids' faces? Does she want them to be the first ones in their class with cancer? It certainly appears so. Instead of wasting time with cigarettes, she should just let them play on the surface of the sun or let them take naps in asbestos sleeping bags. They'll be the envy of their friends in no time!

After years of court battles and depositions, the child custody case between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline is finally over. In what shouldn't come as a shock to anyone, Britney Spears signed over full custody to Kevin Federline. OK! reports:

In an exclusive interview with OK!, Kevin's attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan says both Britney and Kevin reached and signed off on a settlement in their custody case today. Kaplan tells OK!, "At about 8 p.m. PT, a final settlement in the Kevin Federline-Britney Spears custody case was signed. All parties have agreed to the following: Kevin will retain sole legal and physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney will continue to have visitation rights which may increase over time. The agreement will be presented to the court in the morning for approval by the commissioner." Kaplan adds, "Kevin is ecstatic and the boys are thriving."

To be an active participant in a child custody case, you have to actually want your kids, so I guess Britney Spears is glad all this is finally over. She doesn't have to pretend anymore. And I don't blame her. Because, really, little kids aren't even all that fun. They never have their own cigarettes and they're always wasting their beer. I hate to generalize, but quite frankly, little kids just don't know how to party.

Britney and Lynn at a restaurant last week:

Last week it was announced that Britney Spears would make some kind of virtual appearance in Madonna's upcoming Sticky and Sweet Tour that kicks off in August, but full details were not known. Now, thanks to my Google Reader investigative journalism, you have to wait no more! The Sun UK reports:

The pair's sexy shenanigans will be broadcast to the crowd on Madge's upcoming world tour via 20ft screens...They will perform a mash-up of Madge track Beat Goes On and Britney's Piece Of Me, while they are unwrapped from costumes that can only be described as bondage mummy. The pop duo will be wrapped in bandages which will then be unravelled by leather thong-clad male dancers...An on-set source revealed: "It's absolutely classic Madonna. Probably the raunchiest stuff she has ever done. It leaves nothing to the imagination and will be very controversial. Britney and Madonna are unwrapped like mummies, to appear together almost naked apart from tiny leather bondage pants and knee-high boots. They then dance closely together, pressing their hands and bodies together. There will be big rows over whether it is sexy, shocking or both."

I'm confused, is this tour gonna hit all 13 colonies? Are they making a stop in Jamestown? I really hope so, because then we can call Madonna controversial. If not, let's just agree that she's really not, she just likes to get naked a lot and sometimes she gets dry humped on stage by a black tranny wearing a mask with feathers on it. That's gay, not shocking. Until Madonna summons the devil or sacrifices an immigrant family on stage, I don't think watching Britney Spears waddling around and struggling to breathe because her fat ass is wrapped in some bandages is going to shake the foundation of what I think is controversial.

I realize OK! probably thinks they struck gold with the first exclusive pictures of an unwed teen mother and her newborn baby, but they might have just stumbled across the summer fad of 2008 - 17 year olds with frosted hair. Hot!
Boring quotes about teen motherhood here:

She is very good," says Jamie Lynn. "She'll feed every two or three hours. When she wakes up in the middle of the night, I'll feed her and she goes right back to sleep. There's no screaming and crying." The proud mama continues, "We get up in the morning, and she gets her little bath. Then I get my bath. We have a routine, and I love routines. I've worked one out with her, and we're happy going about our little life."

I guess they made Jamie Lynn's hair look like my grandma's because they didn't want you to realize that you were looking at pictures of an underage chick with a GED holding a baby that she may have had because her producer on Zoey 101 statutory raped her. I can see why they'd do that. The silver hair makes her look dignified and mature. Like when I wear my ascot to Wal-Mart.

Aunt Britney getting a new weave yesterday:

For those of you who have been crossing your fingers that Britney Spears is finally getting better, sorry. TMZ reports:

Sources tell TMZ Britney Spears has been secretly seeing a suitor. You'll never guess who. What the hell, we'll tell you -- it's Adnan! Our sources say over the last few months Adnan has been getting into The Summit, the gated community where Brit lives. They have been "together," though we can't say it's still going on. We know they have been texting back and forth, at times complaining that Daddy Jamie is too "controlling" by trying to put the kibosh on the relationship. But here's the deal. Daddy Jamie's job is to be controlling -- that's what a conservator does. And, sources tell us, Jamie's concern over his daughter seeing Adnan is not just his opinion -- the doctors who are treating Brit have told him it would be a bad thing for Brit to hook up with the dude."

Ah yes , Britney and Adnan. The fairy tale continues. At this rate, we should expect pictures of Adnan and Britney riding a white horse on the beach and skipping through a sunflower meadow. Or attending the symphony or reading poetry to each other at the park. Because, you know, it's pretty obvious to everyone that only beautiful things happen when these two lovebirds are together.

Britney and Adnan back in January 2008:

If you have a short gag reflex, you might not want to look at these pictures of Britney Spears at Sur in West Hollywood the other night. Mostly because it looks like Britney's ass is growing a beard. I don't know the level of self-esteem it would take to wear this dress with hair growing out of your ass, but needless to say, Britney Spears could teach the class. If Britney's ass was bent over in front of me, I would be pretty sure that I was gay.



Thanks to Reggie and Tanya for sending these in, and by "thanks" we mean "you're gross."

In the new issue of Star, they claim to have all the details as to what exactly happened inside Jamie Lynn Spears' delivery room. And by "details," I mean "lies":

The baby's heart rate dropped every time she tried to push," a family insider tells Star. "They did an ultrasound and quickly discovered that the umbilical cord was too short." But despite the doctors' dire warnings, the 17-year-old "was adamant about having a natural delivery." Everyone in the room at Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Center in McComb, Miss., pleaded with Jamie Lynn to listen to the doctors - including big sister Britney. Brit had already been with Jamie Lynn for hours, massaging her back as she endured painful contractions. "But she got mad," says the insider. She told Jamie Lynn to "just have a damn Caesarian," as she did. "Britney then ran out in tears because she couldn't bear to see what was happening."

Jamie Lynn Spears had her baby on June 19th at 9:30 am, so unless Britney Spears can tell the future, it seems there might be a reason why Britney was photographed with her dad at LAX boarding a flight to Louisiana on June 18th. And leaving LAX on June 20th. To find out more, reserve your copy of "Why 17-Year Olds Aren't Adamant About Having a Natural Delivery" today!

Britney and her best friends yesterday at Fred Segal: