In January 2008, Britney Spears shaved her head then attacked a car with an umbrella because the voices in her head were telling her to kill. Then she held her children hostage, then she went to McDonald's a lot. In a surprising twist, her father, Jamie Spears, and a judge agreed that she was out of her fucking mind and established a conservatorship where Jamie Spears received full control over her life and finances. Now that Britney is engaged and hasn't manged to kill her kids, her father is set to petition the court next month to effectively end the conservatorship, because FUCK YES THIS BITCH IS SOMEBODY ELSE'S PROBLEM NOW. MTV News reports:

After Britney Spears had her famous meltdown back in January 2008, everybody agreed it was probably best if she didn't have control of her own personal finances. But now, just over four years later, her father Jamie is apparently asking a judge to end the arrangement which has seen a board of conservators having control of his daughter's money. The Sunday Express claims that Jamie intends that Britters will should have control of her own finances by the time she marries fiancé Jason Trawick next month. A source told the paper: "Jamie wants to go to court in early February so Britney will be a free woman in every sense when she marries."

I never really thought this day would come, because I sincerely thought Britney would be dead by now of whatever it is that retarded people die from. Drowning? Trying to ride a bike? Remembering to breathe? To be honest, I'm really not up to date on the leading causes of death of retarded people. Doing math problems? No? Shit this is hard!

If you're 30 and on your third marriage, you might be a redneck. People reports:

One day after Jason Trawick popped the question in L.A., Britney Spears shared the news on her Facebook page. Previously "in a relationship," Spears, 30, changed her status to "engaged." "Yes, I can confirm it's true," Spears's rep Jeff Raymond tells PEOPLE. The pop star previously Tweeted her excitement about getting engaged to her boyfriend of two years (who proposed with a Neil Lane sparkler). "OMG. Last night Jason surprised me with the one gift I've been waiting for," Spears wrote Friday morning. "Can't wait to show you! SO SO SO excited!!!! Xxo."

Man, I wonder why Jason Trawick is marrying her. A mentally unstable single mother of two and ward of a court ordered conservatorship who will eat her way into early onset heart disease then leave behind an estimated net worth of $155 million? Sounds like true love to me.

Britney Spears and Jason Trawick landing in Vegas for their engagement party:

I didn't know this story existed until Nick over at Celebslam posted it this morning, but Britney Spears has fired her personal trainer Derek DeGrazio because of his dangerous weight loss fad of eating healthy and routinely exercising. iNTouch Weekly reports:

Britney Spears’ infamous trainer Derek DeGrazio has gotten the boot for restricting her diet too much. “It was amicable,” says an insider to In Touch. Britney, 30, doesn’t want to worry about every single thing that goes into her mouth anymore. “She knows Jason loves her no matter what and he has encouraged her not to stress about it.” Adds the insider, “But Derek felt Britney made him look bad when she cheated on her diet.”

"She knows Jason loves her no matter what and he has encouraged her not to stress about it as long as she dies of congestive heart failure soon so he can break camp with her millions and bang a chick who knows how to operate a treadmill." Fixed.


NOTE: "Britney, 30, doesn’t want to worry about every single thing that goes into her mouth anymore." THIS. ONLY THIS FOREVER.

Remember eleven years ago when you have smothered an orphan's kitten in front of him for a chance to bang Britney Spears? Well two kids, a meth addiction, a psychotic break, and a court ruling legally proclaiming her a functioning retard later, Britney turned 30 today. Happy birthday, Britney. May your pinata be filled with Cheetos, your Mt Dew bottomless, and your Moon Pies not past their expiration date. Thanks for keeping me in a job the last five years, you inbred dumbass you.

I didn't go to Britney Spears' concert at the 02 Arena last night, but I bet the part where she asked for her inhaler then brought her kids on stage so they could "rub mama's bunions" was a highlight.

Because a functionally retarded overweight single mom whose every decision has to be approved by a judge doesn't do a fucking thing for men who like vagina, Britney Spears gave a gay guy lapdance during her show at the HP Pavilion in San Jose, CA. I actually don't know that he's gay, but he's at a Britney Spears concert. I guess I just kinda assumed.

Rihanna must have lost a coin flip backstage at the Billboard Music Awards last night, because during her performance of "S&M" Britney Spears was drugged then enticed onto the stage by a Twinkie on a string then lip synced in a bunny mask. So, if you're into Miss Cleo in a red wig and a single mom of two who is court-ordered retarded gyrate on a stripper pole, your day just got a lot better.

An impressionist Photoshop artist's work is on the cover of this month's Harper's Bazaar, and from what I understand, it's a portrait of what Britney Spears would look like without being retarded or had any understanding or concept that she was alive.