Seriously, he needs to be my best friend. TMZ says:

No one is going to confuse Bruce Willis with Ebenezer Scrooge -- because the guy showed some serious Christmas spirit when he dropped a gigantic tip when he bought his Xmas tree this week. We're told Willis dropped $175 on a 10-foot tree from A1 Christmas Trees and Lights in Los Angeles. The owner tells TMZ Bruce was really nice to everyone there -- shaking everyone's hand who asked -- but wouldn't pose for pics. Bruce made up for it though ... forking over $100 to each of the guys who helped him pick out the tree. Yippee-ki-yay.

This makes me happy because Die Hard is my favorite Christmas movie ever. Todd makes fun of me because of how much I love John McClane (I listed his name as my religious preference on a hospital form once), but I think he and his ancestors are just really upset that so many trees get cut down this time of year.

And yes, this is my ringtone.

Bruce Willis and Demi Moore are awesome parents with brilliant kids. Per TMZ:

Tallulah Belle Willis, the 17-year-old daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, had a brush with the law last night over alcohol ... law enforcement sources tell TMZ.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ ... cops spotted three girls getting out of a car in Hollywood at around 11:00 PM, carrying what appeared to be two bottles of alcohol. The officers probed further and determined it was indeed the hard stuff. Here's the problem ... all three girls are underage.

Tallulah Belle and her cohorts were cited at the scene for underage possession -- but since Tallulah Belle -- who has appeared in "The Scarlet Letter" and "The Whole Ten Yards -- is a minor, cops couldn't just release her .... they needed to find an adult to pick her up .

So Tallulah Belle called Bruce ... but a dutiful Demi did the hard labor, getting in a car and retrieving T.B.

I don't know how much of this story I can buy. Her dad is John fucking McClane. You mean with all the cash at this chick's disposal, she couldn't afford a bigger purse?

It's amazing when loves blooms naturally between a 54 year old man and a 30 year old woman. Just like it did with Bruce Willis and Emma Heming. Their eyes meet across the cafe then the strangers become lovers. Except in this case, Bruce Willis saw her headshot first and coerced casting to bring her to work at the cafe. Page Six reports:

"During the casting of 'Perfect Stranger' [the suspense movie Willis made with Halle Berry two years ago], Bruce was very involved with the casting. In fact, you could say he was extremely involved no matter how minor the role." At Willis' request, calls were placed to modeling agencies to fill the roles of extras and minor speaking parts. Our casting source said, "He personally went through head shots and when the girls were called in to 'read,' he was there in the meeting. It was odd for the star of a movie to do so, but at the time he was single and I guess he needed a date." The casting sessions/blind dates went well enough. "He started dating [model] Tamara Feldman, with whom he coincidentally enough had a sex scene," our insider said. Then, Heming was selected for a small speaking part. Willis "started dating both Tamara and Emma but obviously, Emma eventually won out," the source said.

In other news, I was at Bed, Bath & Beyond yesterday and I picked out the most gorgeous lattice table linen! I guess Bruce Willis and I are just living the dream!

Apparently tired of years of banging young Hollywood ass, Bruce Willis, 54, married his model/actress girlfriend, Emma Heming, 32, on Saturday at his Turks and Caicos islands estate. E! Online reports:

Guests at the Caribbean wedding included Willis' ex-wife, Demi Moore, and her husband, Ashton Kutcher. The Live Free or Die Hard actor, 54, and the 32-year-old British model met through friends and began dating last year. Willis' publicist tells E! that the couple will have a civil ceremony when they return to California. Bruce and Demi were married for 13 years before splitting in 2000. Their three daughters, Rumer, 20, Scout, 17, and Tallulah, 15, also attended the wedding.

Ashton Kutcher is 32 and married to something held together by duct tape and science (Demi Moore has had over $500K worth of plastic surgery), yet Bruce Willis is 52 and has been inside more young pussy than a veterinarian. I have no idea what it's gonna be like at Bruce's funeral, but I think they should cut off his penis and place it on one of those velvet pillows and drive it around in a parade car behind a marching band and girls twirling batons.

Family/tits:

I rather watch zombies serve my torso at a picnic than see House Bunny, but a lot of hot ass showed up at the premiere last night, and in case you missed it, scouring the Internet for pictures of "hot ass" is kinda my job description. That is, of course, until I can find a way to start getting paid to just think about hot ass. Toddco* has a solid business plan, but apparently potential investors fail to see how masturbating constitutes a core competency. Insolent fools!

* A division of Handsome Industries, Inc.

Guests at Ashton Kutcher's 30th birthday party at Socialista on February 7th, who included Demi Moore, Madonna, Lucy Liu, Salma Hayek, Kate Hudson and Bruce Willis, have been urged to get tested and vaccinated for hepatitis after an employee at the West Village nightspot was diagnosed with the disease. Page Six reports:

A Socialista bartender named Leif, who's now in the hospital, was diagnosed with a raging case of Hep A. We're told the Health Department yesterday visited the club that former Bungalow 8 doorman Armin Armiri opened last fall, but Armiri said, "We're not closed down, we're just concerned for our customers."

That's weird, because if they wanted me to get concerned, with the exception of Bruce Willis, they should've come up with a better list of names than this. Madonna and Lucy Liu might have hepatitis? Oh my, heavens no! Are they all right? Will they be okay? Will Lucy Liu's agent still be able to cast her as fourth alternate in the next Gwen Stefani video? Man, I sure do hope so!

Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Rumer Willis, and Salma Hayek last night:

I swear to God I'm going to convert to Hinduism and throw myself in front of a truck, then cross my fingers and pray that I come back as Bruce Willis. This dude is 52 years old and has banged some of the hottest chicks on earth. Now, it looks like his vagina train has stopped at Karen McDougal, 1998's Playmate of the Year. I have no idea what it's gonna be like at Bruce's funeral, but I think they should cut off his penis and put in on one of those velvet pillows and drive it around in a parade car.

Bruce Willis and Karen McDougal in Italy on August 7th:


Here's Karen McDougal naked, if you're interested (NSFW):

A celeb photographer suffered three cracked ribs, a dislocated shoulder, and a concussion after two friends of Rumer Willis brutally attacked him when he had the audacity to take Willis' picture as she was leaving the ESPY Awards after party. TMZ reports:

...According to witnesses on scene, one of the men allegedly tripped a photographer who was attempting to take pix of the star. As the stunned shutterbug got up and tried to identify the culprit, we're told another friend of the wannabe-bodyguards grabbed the photog by the head and slammed him to the ground head first, knocking him out and causing convulsions."

Rumer Willis looks a like male Demi Moore impersonator, so you'd think she'd wet her panties if somebody willingly pointed a camera at her. But not only does she not like it, apparently it's reason enough to make some poor guy flop around on the pavement like a cat just hit by car. Although I appreciate her friends' enthusiasm, maybe somebody should mention to them that they're walking down the street with Rumer Willis. They might as well go out in public with the Loch Ness monster. At least people would recognize who they're with.

Update: A quick note... TMZ is reporting these guys are not actually friends with Rumer and they're just random assholes.

Maria Sharapova, Camilla Belle, Carmen Electra and Kendra Wilkinson yesterday at the ESPY awards: