Let's face it, country music is hillbilly emo crap about lakes, spousal abuse, and Jesus' driving skills, but dear God Carrie Underwood is hot. Like she is here at the American Country Awards. But I just found out that she's an enrolled member of this. What the hell, Carrie? There goes my pickup line! What am I supposed to do now?!

On July 10, Carrie Underwood married Ottawa Senators centre Mike Fisher in a private ceremony in Greensboro, Georgia. Before the wedding, Underwood stated publicly that she and Fisher would be moving to Ottawa and that she couldn't wait to build their dream house there. Emphasis on "before the wedding". The Enquirer reports:

"Carrie and Mike are experiencing a post-wedding comedown," an insider told The ENQUIRER. "Reality is starting to set in, and it isn't pretty. Mike is demanding that Carrie make good on her promise to move to Ottawa, Canada, where he's based with his hockey team. But now Carrie is backtracking and refusing to leave her adopted hometown of Nashville."

I don't think "backtracking" might be the best word. How about "selfish" and "psychotic"? Yeah, that works.

"Mike was going over renovation details for the 5,000-square-foot house he's building in West Carleton, Ottawa," the insider divulged. "He was talking about building a nursery when Carrie flew off the handle. She told Mike it was pointless to build space for a baby because she has no intention of living there. "Carrie claimed she hadn't thought the living plan through when she committed earlier. She told Mike that she's most comfortable recording and writing in Nashville, and that her touring commitments make Nashville a more logical home base. "Mike feels duped and raged that Carrie misled him. When Carrie said her mind was made up, Mike fired back, 'I'll be living in Canada, whether you're there or not!'" "The conversation turned into a screaming match, and ended with Carrie in tears after locking herself in the bathroom."

It's a bit of a well-kept secret that Carrie Underwood is a raging cunt in real life, so this makes sense. But it's probably just some kind of misunderstanding. Maybe somebody just pointed out to her that her name is Carrie Fisher.

Jennifer Aniston is on suicide watch today, because apparently everyone in Hollywood got married over the weekend. Martin Lawrence and Shamicka Gibbs, that one MTV VJ LaLa Vazquez (former MTV VJ, she's rich now) and NBA star Carmelo Anthony, Emily Blunt and John Krasinski, and of course, Carrie Underwears and Mike Fisher. I only bring this up, because is Mike Fisher a hockey player or Hellboy? Christ, look at his freakin head. Has his mom got her stitches taken out yet? The only way somebody should have a head this big is if they are green humanoids who hate Superman or can levitate cars with their mind.

I don't listen to country music (although I do like Alan Jackson's reflective couplet about laying rubber to hot coochie from way down yonder), but if I did, this might make me very upset. Page Six reports:

Carrie Underwood is to wed hockey star Mike Fisher tomorrow -- but not even the guests know where. Sources said the superstar singer is refusing to confirm the location until the very last moment. Guests have been told to go to an airport in a southern city, from which they'll be ferried to the site by private jet or limos. One source said, "Carrie wants to keep the wedding small and secret. She originally wanted up to $2 million for the photo rights, but she's now believed to have struck a deal with a weekly magazine. Her rep didn't get back to us.

Yeah, so is this a wedding or a rendition? Is the reception at Guantanamo Bay? I don't get it. A karaoke contest winner and some dude from Canada are getting married. I'm pretty sure if terrorists are planning to release a biological weapon into the air, wherever you're going won't be ground zero. I've typed way too many sentences that seem like I care about this, so here's Carrie Underwood in a bikini. Just fyi, I would aim for her tattoo if I were you. Skeet targets are usually shot at close range. I like to practice whenever my schedule allows.

The 52 Annual Grammy Awards were last night, and other than the sheer glee of Lady Gaga losing to Kings of Leon, Beyonce, and Taylor Swift, Matt Schaub got the MVP award with a 13-for-17, 189 yards and two touchdown night. Vincent Jackson added 122 yards on 7 catches to help the AFC win 41-34. Wait, ok, maybe I didn't watch the Grammys. So what if I didnt? God, why do you have to be so stuck up? You think you're better that me, is that what you think?!

Say what you want about country music, but I'd gladly spend a couple hundred at iTunes on songs about tire swings by the river and teardrops on guitars if it meant my penis could get a VIP tour of Carrie Underwood's and Taylor Swift's cervix. I'd split Taylor Swift's skinny ass like I was trying to win a lumberjack contest.

After dating for a year, Ottawa Senators' Mike Fisher proposed to Carrie Underwood this weekend. People reports

Carrie Underwood certainly has a lot to smile about this holiday season. The newly engaged 26 year-old country singer turned up at her fiancé Ottawa Senators hockey player Mike Fisher’s game last night flashing some major sparkle on her left hand. A spokesperson from the Diamond Information Center estimates the brilliant round diamond comes in at whopping five-plus carats, with an estimated value of close to $150,000. Whew! Underwood, who famously declared her affection for her beau in the liner notes of her recent album, Play On (“I love you so much!” she wrote. “You make my life better in every way! I thank God for you every day.”), accepted Fisher’s proposal on Sunday, following a year-long courtship.

My penis really needs to be in traction right now, but more to the point, $150K?! I mean Carrie Underwood is hot and all, but damn dude. Unless her vagina can accurately predict the stock market or has a Blu-Ray player, that might be a little much. For a chick. Not for me of course. If it cost less than twenty it don't look right on me.

WTF UPDATE: The ring is 12 carats and is worth $1.3M

Here's more pictures of Carrie Underwood in the Bahamas but this time in a different bikini. So to celebrate Carrie's change of bikinis, I'm gonna change hands. Yay for change!