"Damn, son. Let me holla at you. Who G.I. Jane gotta blow to get some whip-its up in this piece?"

After losing 75 pounds in a week and overdosing on nitrous oxide like a boss, Demi Moore checked herself into Utah's prestigious treatment center, Cirque Lodge. She was there for a little over a month, and now she's on vacation. Being a rich drug addict seems fun. E! Online reports:

Demi Moore has left Utah's Cirque Lodge. Sources exclusively confirm to E! News that the Margin Call star has checked out of rehab at the celeb-favored treatment center. As we first reported, Moore went to Cirque in the days following her brief hospitalization in Los Angeles after she suffered a seizure-like episode during a party at her Benedict Canyon-area home on Jan. 23. So, where is she now? We can confirm that Moore remains "on vacation" at an undisclosed location. "She's in no rush to get back to L.A.," the source says. "She's on total lockdown and only talking to a small group of people."

At this time Demi and her family would like for everyone to respect her privacy during this difficult time as she's on vacation after leaving a exclusive and private drug rehab center on 12 private acres located in a majestic mountain setting with rooms with panoramic views of Sundance ski resort and oh fuck this bitch.

Demi Moore isn't allowed to look at a scale in rehab. Radar Online reports:

When Demi Moore checked into the Cirque Lodge rehab treatment center in Utah for anorexia and an addiction to prescription pills, she wasn't allowed to see her weight on the scale, and was weighed backwards because her treatment team doesn't want her focused on how much she weighs, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting. ... Demi hit rock bottom after her marriage to Ashton Kutcher ended when he was "It's common treatment practice at Cirque to not allow patients that are being treated for an eating disorder to see how much they weigh when they step on the scale,” an insider tells RadarOnline.com. “Their weights are taken everyday, sometimes several times a day to make sure that they aren't losing weight while in treatment. Doctors at Cirque don't want patients to fixate on their weight. “Eating disorders are all about control, plain and simple. When someone is in the ravages of an eating disorder, their lives are typically out of control. The one thing someone with an eating disorder believes they can control in their lives, is food. Demi isn't being forced fed or chastised for not wanting to eat though. The counselors at Cirque are working on giving Demi a safe and controlled environment, she is getting the best care possible. She is also dealing with an addiction to prescription medication, and she has a comprehensive team taking care of her.”

That's all fine and good, but one thing Demi Moore should be forced to look at in rehab is her birth certificate. Her obsession with youth isn't a secret, and it's pretty idiotic. Please don't start on the pressures of fame. If Hollywood's ageism is a problem, then stop chasing men 20 years younger and focus on your actual acting ability (Meryl Streep has no problem getting work), learn a trade, or retire gracefully. You have the choice to either be another year older or to be dead. It shouldn't be this tough of a decision.

Here's the current cover of in Touch, and if I can be honest, they really missed a great opportunity to sensationalize this story to make it more appealing to potential buyers. Maybe they should have put flashing lights around her face or put a string under the words "TIME BOMB!" so when you pulled it, it would make a cool explosion sound or something. They just really let this one go right past them, didn't they?

If you take every drug in front of you and seizure out on the floor, please make sure whoever calls 911 for you is able to repeat your address for the first five minutes of the call and is really able to say it phonetically and really slowly because Los Angeles dispatchers like to talk over you and are kinda dumb. They also might be Caesar Milan.
TMZ reports:

TMZ has obtained the 911 call placed moments before Demi Moore was rushed to an L.A. hospital Monday night -- where she was treated for inhaling too much nitrous oxide ... aka whip-its. As we first reported, any references to Demi's drug use have been redacted from the 911 call -- despite the TMZ story ... paramedics on scene were told by Demi's friends the actress had been doing whip-its. After she was rushed to the hospital, Demi was placed in a facility for substance abuse treatment.

You can LISTEN TO IT HERE, but long story short, Demi Moore smoked sativa , did whip-its, convulsed, then her friends poured cold water on her and killed her buzz. What jackasses!

There's not a minute to spare:

And Red Bull. But not carbs. Radar Online reports:

Demi Moore will be seeking treatment for anorexia and her substance abuse addictions, and RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned that Adderall is the prescription drugs that she uses. “Demi has been taking Adderall and drinking energy drinks and starving herself and those are some of the serious causes that led her to collapse on Monday night,” a source close to the actress said. As RadarOnline.com previously reported, Demi had an epileptic seizure before being rushed to the hospital and she is currently seeking treatment for anorexia. “The pills and starvation destroyed Demi and this has been a problem for about a year,” the source said about her tragic situation. “She’s constantly jacked up on Adderall and combining that with not eating accounts for her loopy behavior and anorexic body frame. She literally refuses to eat any food.”

On the bright side, Demi Moore upgraded her drugs (and probably her self-perception) from that of a high school freshman to that of a college one. Give her some more time and she might even realize she can rent a car without a cosigner and buy kegs for rush week!

No, seriously. TMZ reports:

Demi Moore's friend called paramedics Monday night after the actress inhaled a dangerous amount of nitrous oxide ... TMZ has learned. Sources tell TMZ ... one of Demi's friends who was at her home told emergency workers Demi was doing whip-its. A whip-it is a street name for a type of nitrous oxide inhalant. The friend said she became upset when Demi had a reaction to a whip-it and lapsed into semi-consciousness. It appears Demi had symptoms of a seizure -- after inhaling the nitrous. A whip-it is not a common drug among people of Demi's age and social status. It's typically used by younger people who are looking for a cheap thrill.

Us Weekly says that Demi was having a grand old time back on Jan. 11, too:

On the night of January 11, the Margin Call actress was spotted "table dancing while three guys sat there watching," an eyewitness tells Us Weekly. "She was trashed." Surrounded by celebs including Brody Jenner, Jersey Shore's Paul "DJ Pauly D" DelVecchio and Miley Cyrus, Moore "looked super skinny."

Did she have an identity crisis and mistake herself for Demi Lovato? Listen, I know it sucks that her husband was a philandering piece of shit, but Jesus Christ, she needs to accept the fact that she's not 22 years old anymore (even though most of her body parts are younger than that). Demi Moore is 49 years old. She's hanging out with Hannah Montana and doing drugs that should be reserved for 14-year-olds with part time jobs at Baskin Robbins. If she's going to do drugs, she ought to at least be age appropriate and hang out with Whitney. I'm sure she'd appreciate someone else picking up the tab for her coke.

Demi Moore, seen here less than a month after the world find out her husband fucked two Vegas skanks on their wedding anniversary, was rushed to the hospital Monday night after paramedics responded to a 911 substance abuse call at her house at 10:45pm. Man, what would force a newly separated woman on the wrong side of 40 coming to the realization that her husband of 7 years is a serial cheater to want to end it all with drugs and alcohol? Being really sleepy apparently. TMZ reports:

Sources tell us she is being placed in a facility to "seek further professional assistance." Our sources say the treatment is for substance abuse. Demi's rep tells TMZ, "Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health. She looks forward to getting well and is grateful for the support of her family and friends."

Yes, "exhaustion". That's the reason. She was just tired so somebody had to call the paramedics and rush her to the hospital for immediate treatment for sleepiness. Sources inside the hospital say that she is recovering nicely in footie pajamas drinking chamomile tea while nurses take turns reading her Goodnight Moon. Haha just kidding I mean she's probably on an IV getting her stomach pumped because her husband's a douche.

UPDATE: She apparently had a seizure and is also being treated for anorexia. So, yeah. She's doing great.

And the whores are comin' out. TMZ says:

Ashton Kutcher's alleged mistress -- the FIRST alleged mistress -- claims she feels "vindicated" by Demi Moore's divorce statement ... telling TMZ she hopes people will finally believe her story about sleeping with Ashton. TMZ spoke with Brittney Jones -- who claimed she got busy with Kutcher in 2010 after meeting the guy at a bowling alley. Jones' credibility was called into question when she capitalized on her sudden fame by releasing a sex tape .... which did NOT feature Ashton. Ashton's lawyer released a statement at the time Brittney was in the headlines, insinuating her story was a lie ... but not entirely denying. Now, Jones tells TMZ ... "Although divorce is often sad I do feel somewhat vindicated." She adds, "For so long people have thought that I was dishonest or just making up my passionate nights with Ashton, when in fact I was being used." "Ashton told me that both he and Demi had an 'open relationship' and that he was not in fact cheating. Now I can tell all the facts about how Ashton really was, and hopefully people will believe my side of the story." Still, Jones says, "I feel for Demi very much and wish her nothing but the best during this hard time."

Since everyone involved in this story is a bit of a douchebag, it's hard for me to care, but know the following: If a 40-something woman marries an actor almost half her age and starts Kabbalah after not having a hit movie in a decade, she's desperate for relevance. If a 22-year-old skank says she was "being used" by Ashton Kutcher, what she means is "fucking a married, rich, famous guy, capitalizing on his name by releasing a sex tape and trying to sell his clothing on eBay, and then talking to the media following his divorce announcement" hasn't earned her enough money yet. If a guy marries someone almost twice his age, when he tells 22-year-old skanks that he's in an "open relationship," what he means is, "Menopause made my wife's vagina feel like sandpaper. I can get you on TMZ." Happy to clear all of that up.