I'm not sure what the hell was going on for Halloween this year, but dear God it was boring. The McCord Sisters of Eastwick probably left the house thinking they were hot, but only if they had been literally set on fire. Ashley Greene can't wait to get in a bikini or naked (NSFW) every other day of the year so it's a little surprising that she dressed up as a peacock cocktail waitress. Seriously, how am I supposed to masturbate to this? I mean, I've done it to Animal Planet before, but my therapist says that it can be healthy. I think he might be just saying that. Blake Lively is one of hottest pieces on television right now, but she looks like something in one of my grandpa's magazines. Eliza Dushku and Rick Fox (?) went as a some sort of vampire Bonnie and Clyde. I'm not sure why vampires would need inaccurate automatic weapons to rob a bank, but then again, I wasn't high when I picked out my costume. The usually smoking hot Jessica Alba went as a lost Mexican child who never stops asking questions, and although I appreciate her bending over, how am I supposed to guess what's in her backpack? How should I know?! You packed the fucking thing !!

Jessica Alba is one of the hottest pieces of ass on the planet. You know, if you had a time machine.

Note: Not that you guys care, but the face Jessica's making in pic #5 looks exactly like how my girlfriend looks when she gets stuff in her eyes after we have sex. In fact, she's probably reading this and thinking about it right now and getting super turned on. Aren't you baby? (See? Told you.)

Jessica Alba defaced a bunch of shit in Oklahoma City with posters of great white sharks in order to raise awareness. From TMZ:

One of the spots she's accused of tagging was a billboard for the United Way. A rep for the non-profit organization told us although the billboard was donated, they'll probably have to pay out of their own pocket to replace it. Either way, the U.W. said, "We remain focused on our work rather than this minor distraction." So far, cops say no one has filed charges against Alba.

The dumbest thing about this is that they are just pictures of sharks. No message or anything. What is she trying to tell you about sharks? They're here, they're queer, get used to it? Sharks Against War? For just 65 cents a day, you can provide food, shelter, medicine and education to a great white shark? Maybe it is just a picture of a shark, because not unlike bacon, sharks make everything exponentially more awesome.

I Googled "great white shark", and do you know what I found? I found this story about Jessica Alba being an idiot. Way to raise awareness about your idiocy, Jess. I bet you hate it when people call you that.

I feared this day would come: Both Jessica's being in the same place again.

Though look at that guy behind Biel, I bet he made great time staring at her ass while letting her draft him by taking the lead.

Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba were both on hand in New York for the EIF Revlon Annual Run/Walk for Women. And when they say "For Women" they mean "for woman's cancers."

The Prostate Cancer Annual beer chug/masturbation marathon will be coming up in about a week and a half, and I plan to raise money in the MM's Speed and Quantity categories.

When Alba and Biel are in the same place, I keep wishing that Biel had Alba's head and absolutely no personality. Like some sort of sex mannequin. Because I've been covering these two and their hot bodies for long enough to know that only one of them can do something that resembles "acting" and they both are kinda catty when they get tired.

Jessica Alba was out shopping yesterday in Santa Monica where the paparazzi were all over her ass, as if we needed more pictures of Jessica Alba doing mundane things while looking completely miserable.

Damn, woman, you look sad even when nothing sad is happening to you. You have a kid and a husband and a career all because you're pretty, why not flash us a smile more often?

Anyway, Alba got in her Hybrid SUV and drove down an alleyway only to have a run in with the Santa Monica Police...for driving the wrong way down and alley.

There is nothing about this story that isn't lame. Jessica Alba is lame and motorcycle cops who have nothing better to do then bust people for going the wrong way down an alley is lame. Even the paparazzi who most certainly swarmed the cop and the Hybrid in the alleyway, probably causing more of a problem then going down it the wrong way, are lame.

Just lame.



Alba was let go without a ticket.

Jessica Alba is totally no-smiles McGee for every day out of the year that she's not in front of an awards show audience. Really, only her kid makes her smile, and even thin, it's just the best acting she does. Though she turned out to show her mechanical happy-face at the GLAAD media awards, where Tyra Banks, Kathy Griffen and Keith Olberman were among those recognized.

I wish there was a picture of those three in one place. That would be a sweet picture. Much better than the picture above. Is it just me or does she look like a hybrid of Katie Holmes and Britney Spears when she makes that face.

They're all robots of similar model. Mark my words.

I don't think I've ever met the perfect woman yet, yet, but I'd like to think if I did, she would have a bow above her ass.