Last week it was reported that Justin Timberlake was cheating on Jessica Biel with Rihanna and they were close to a breakup. "Really? Fantastic. I'm so over this chick. I'm headed to the store, we good on Funyuns?" my penis was quoted as saying. Page Six reports:

Justin Timberlake had a date night with Jessica Biel -- casting doubts on reports that he'd dumped her for Rihanna. Us Weekly reported yesterday that Timberlake had dumped Biel over the phone, while Star claims he's turned up the heat with Rihanna. But Timberlake and Biel were photographed holding hands Monday night, even though they sure weren't smiling. A source said, "They've spent the last few days vacationing together in Santa Barbara. Things have been rocky in the last few months, but they are working it out. And this rumor that Justin was hooking up with Rihanna is wild -- they've been working on a track together."

I was gonna say this is bad news, but Jessica Biel has looked like she's been cursed by a gypsy lately, so whatever. That will all change of course if she starts looking like actual Jessica Biel again. Then my vampire cyborg pumas will need to be re-calibrated to only hunt effeminate dancing wiggers with perms. They will return to me with no knowledge of who they are...or what they have done.

Jessica Biel looking like absolute hell in Vancouver where she is shooting the A-Team:



Jessica Biel as she appears in my dreams and drawings in my diary:

I...I...what the hell? Metro UK reports:

'Justin and Rihanna have been seeing each other for the past few weeks.' 'He is really into her', the insider alleged. The source claims Timberlake, 28, and the Umbrella star, 21, have been meeting together in New York. It is not the first time the pair have enjoyed time together after JT helped out the Barbadian beauty in a raunchy video shoot during her third album Good Girl, Gone Bad. Timberlake is also lending his skills to the star's next record, which could be a good reason for the sightings. Only this week he spoke about their time in the studio together telling: 'The stuff we've come up with in the studio, it's the next step for her. It's a little more grown-up. It's got some edge to it.' But the mole also alleges playful Rihanna recently gave Trousernake a lap dance at the 10ak night spot in NYC. The claims come after Timberlake was accused by Lindsay Lohan of being a 'cheater' on Twitter after he was spotted dancing on a bar table with a mystery woman earlier this year. He also put in a lip-lock photo opportunity with Biel, 27, at a basket ball game after he was accused of 'acting like a single guy' at a party thrown by ex Kate Hudson.

My bucket of sunshine and glowstick of love Naomi just told me that I had horrible taste in women and she'd gladly take Rihanna over my beloved Jessica, but can't we just go ahead and call this a downgrade? I guess after being beaten within an inch of your life by your boyfriend may cause you to reexamine the kind of guy you want to bang. Specifically, a prancing gaywad like Justin Tiberlake. Please, don't tell me he isn't a little bit gay. He dated Cameron Diaz for four years. You can't possibly like your penis if you wake up to that every morning. Basically what I'm trying to say is, it's very possible that Rihanna gave Justin a lap dance, but it's also very possible that he took her home to play with his Barbie Style Hair Salon Playset. Wash Barbie dolls hair in the real working sink using special foaming shampoo! Add color streaks and create glam hairstyles with all the fun tools! Includes salon chair, foaming shampoo, smock, towel, brush, Barbie doll and more!

If you've read this site for a while you know all the depraved stuff my tongue wants to do to this chick's ass, but apparently that may have caused you to download a virus. Sorry about that. Us Magazine reports:

Jessica Biel has been named the most dangerous celebrity online. Security technology company McAfee Inc. announced Tuesday that searches for the actress are more likely to result in viruses and spyware than searches for any other celebrity. Searchers seeking info on Biel, 27, have a one-in-five chance of ending up at a Web site built to damage their computer.

If you're looking for pictures of naked chicks online, I think you're pretty much okay with damage to your computer. Not me though. My grandma says that Jesus lives in our computer and he sees me every time I have naughty thoughts. But I have so much fun on nick.com that I don't even care! Thanks, grandma!


Jessica Biel's Ass: A Retrospect(ive)

I appreciate that Jessica Biel is trying to show me her tits, but c'mon baby won't you show some class? Why you wanna move so fast?

Earlier this week, Jessica Biel went on and on about how she couldn't get a good acting role because she was too hot. Now, it also appears that fame is also a problem. Showbiz Spy says:

"It’s wonderful to do what I do, but everything that goes with it? It’s bizarre,” Biel tells Allure magazine. “The invasion of privacy is very tough. I am followed all day, every day. Going to the dentist, the cleaners. I guess I could look like s**t going to the dentist, but only if I didn’t care what I saw in the papers."

Let me preface this by saying that I really, really, really want to fuck Jessica Biel in the ass, but if she could stop talking for a minute that would be great. Look, sweetie, do you want a good acting role or do you not want to be famous? Make up your mind. Because if you're a hot actress in a remotely decent movie, chances are a dude who needed Rosetta Stone to find the directions to your house will be sleeping in his van for the sole purpose of taking your picture. But not like the one I took when I sneaked in your house and wrapped myself in your clothes then hid when you got home and waited until you fell asleep. I hate to brag, but that picture was very artistic. My use of color and light really brought out your ass' natural aesthetic.

It would be a bit of a stretch to call Jessica Biel an actress with her wooden line delivery and cyborg range of emotions, but according to her, that's not the reason she can't land a good role. Want to take a guess what it is? US Magazine reports:

"Yeah, it really is a problem," Biel tells the June issue of Allure magazine. "I have to be blunt."..."I'm in there with everybody else, fighting for the good parts. Yes, The Illusionist has made a difference -- but a huge, massive difference, so I can pick and choose what I want? No." "I just want an opportunity. If you don't like the audition, don't hire me!" she says. "But if you don't want to even see me -- that's hurtful. And why? You know nothing about me!"

Yeah, that's it. Nevermind that Tilda Swinton is too ugly, but that isn't stopping her. You're too hot. That's why you can't get good acting roles. Much like Charlize Theron and Halle Berry. Or Angelina Jolie and Kate Winslet. All their movies go straight to DVD because, let's face it, Hollywood is afraid to hire beautiful women to star movies that they hope will make a lot of money. The American people are just too smart for that.

For all intents and purposes, my tongue would squegee Jessica Biel's ass like a damn windshield, but did I miss something? When did she become Puerto Rican? Does she have a pager and go to parades now, because she's like a 1,000 times darker compared to this time last month. I don't know what kind of industrial strength tanning solution she's using but it's pretty clear that after applying it, Step #2 involves laying under a space shuttle while it's launching or Superman flying you to the sun.

Note: Speaking of Superman, I thought I'd seen Smallville enough to know that Clark Kent didn't have an effeminate cousin who was apparently the president of the AV Club. Turns out I was wrong:

I feared this day would come: Both Jessica's being in the same place again.

Though look at that guy behind Biel, I bet he made great time staring at her ass while letting her draft him by taking the lead.

Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba were both on hand in New York for the EIF Revlon Annual Run/Walk for Women. And when they say "For Women" they mean "for woman's cancers."

The Prostate Cancer Annual beer chug/masturbation marathon will be coming up in about a week and a half, and I plan to raise money in the MM's Speed and Quantity categories.

When Alba and Biel are in the same place, I keep wishing that Biel had Alba's head and absolutely no personality. Like some sort of sex mannequin. Because I've been covering these two and their hot bodies for long enough to know that only one of them can do something that resembles "acting" and they both are kinda catty when they get tired.