In case you missed it, Jessica Simpson gave birth yesterday to a 9 pound, 13 ounce female human thing and named her Maxwell Drew. Again, a 9 pound baby female named Maxwell.
E! Online reports:

"Eric and I are elated to announce the birth of our baby girl, Maxwell Drew Johnson," states the announcement on Jessica's official site. The little lady arrived weighing 9 pounds, 13 ounces and measuring 21 3/4 inches...

9 pounds? That must be some kind of misprint. Look at that banner picture. Was the baby in a suit of armor? There's no way the doctor didn't have a tranquilizer gun and nurses weren't stabbing at it with one of those poles with a collar at the end and surgical tech wasn't throwing it raw meat.

Although she's been pregnant for several years, baffling scientists and wildlife experts alike, Jessica Simpson decided to go on Twitter this weekend and let everybody know what they already knew.

To everyone who keeps congratulating me on the birth of my baby girl...I'm still pregnant!! Don't believe what you read ladies and gents.

Wait, this is gonna be a girl? The nurse better be waiting with a Happy Meal and a milkshake from Steak 'N Shake or a live goat, because whatever this thing is she'll need energy so she can find a mate and breed. They'll try to use cyanide gas to kill her but she'll break out of her containment cell and escape. Men cannot resist her. Mankind may not survive her.

Somehow I missed these, and by "somehow" I mean "I'm horrifically lazy", but here's Jessica Simpson welcoming guests outside her baby shower anAHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! Is she a surrogate for the Berenstein Bears? Does this baby have a dragon tail? WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. GOING. ON. I swear, if the hospital doesn't instantly shut down and get surrounded by a perimeter the minute she steps foot inside, her doctor better immediately sedate her and pull out his phone and dial as the seconds tick by like hours until somebody answers so he can say, "Are you the one they call Beowulf? I can text you the address."

As we all know, Jessica Simpson has been pregnant for 42 months and is 170 pounds now. Proving she has no filter for things going in or coming out of her mouth, Simpson went on Ryan Seacrest's radio show yesterday to tell everybody that she likes to have sex constantly. Going to throw up. brb. Us Magazine reports:

"I am definitely 'feeling intimate,''" said the sassy Texan said -- and how! "I'm kind of unstoppable right now. The Big O is, like, the biggest O ever!" Former NFL pro Johnson, 32, is definitely game, she added. "He's always ready."

Awesome. Because I don't know about you, but when I think of sex I think of a 200 pound hog with heartburn reaching for a syrup bottle and bag of Doritos Locos Tacos. I'm actually hard right now just thinking about it.

Since we've already covered my stance on why women should free/affordable birth control, let me lose the rest of you by telling you my stance if women choose not to use birth control and become pregnant. Ready? Nobody wants to see that shit. A guy nutted in you and fertilized an egg and in ten months you'll give birth to one of the 7 billion people on Earth who'll eventually do the same thing. Rinse, repeat. Your womb isn't the Ark of The Covenant or King Tut's tomb, only a baby who more than likely be completely forgotten about in 100 years comes out of it (for more information on this, click here) So stop going to Olan Mills every time you get pregnant. It's gross. That being said, here's Jessica Simpson naked on the cover of Elle. Wow, she's pregnant. So was Casey Anthony. Let's not get carried away here.

Here's paparrazi pics of Jessica Simpson in Beverly Hills last night, and that can mean only one of three things:

1.) She's going to a restaurant that has steak.
2.) She's leaving a restaurant that has steak.
3.) She's going to a restaurant that has steak and going to a restaurant that has burritos then swinging by Krispy Kreme on the way home to eat with her boyfriend's leftover steak and burrito.


#1. The answer is #1.

I guess there's one good thing to come from Jessica Simpson getting pregna...no, wait. I mean two. I totally meant to two things.

Even though a dragon could be attacking your house and you could still pick out a better outfit than what Jessica Simpson has on here, it's good to see that she can keep active with her fiance by staying involved and aware of America's sociopolitical climate. Like in these pictures taken Monday night. When they were on their way to Occupy Carl's Jr.