Keeley Hazell is in next month's issue of ZOO in her version of a Snuggie, and I'm not advocating every woman gets breast implants, and although that's not true, but if you could make an appointment for a consultation and take this picture (NSFW) with you, that would be fantastic. I don't want to scare you, but I'm running for President in 2012 and all women below a C-cup are going to be locked in a detainment camp until the prison colony on Mars is built. Because, really, nobody wants to see that.

In her first shoot for an American magazine, Keeley Hazell takes her perfect 32E's to Maxim. In England, she does this and this (both NSFW), but the fags at Maxim had her lean over a chair. Awesome. Why not put her in chainmail or a Snuggie while you're at it? I know Maxim isn't allowed to show nudity, but I guess they should have thought about that before they put Keeley Hazell in their magazine. Keeley in pictures without nipples is like Jake Gyllenhaal in pictures with a woman you actually believe he's fucking.

I realize Keeley Hazell isn't an actual celebrity and has nothing to do with celebrity gossip, but she has perfect boobs and spends most of her time taking her clothes off and letting people take pictures of them. Turns out, that has a lot to do with my penis. My penis really, really loves Keeley Hazell, but he's afraid that stereotypes and ignorance will make people not be able to see his true self. He's cultured in the arts and in the sciences and enjoys reading books on constitutional law. Why, just yesterday, we were discussing how Jackson Pollock used synthetic resin-based paints called alkyd enamels during his Springs period. "This was novel at the time, " my penis said.


CLICK ON THE BANNER PIC TO SEE ALL 17 NSFW PICS. TAKE FREQUENT BREAKS TO GENERATE PROPER BLOOD FLOW

For all intents and purposes, PETA is a terrorist organization and a death cult who kill more animals than 1,000 people who wear fur, so if you really want me to get behind your cause, you're really gonna have to do a lot better than Kong, a 40-chick with Hep C, and a vagina that looks like Stargate.So thank God somebody over there took time out from throwing frozen kittens in dumpsters and called Keeley Hazell to be in their ads. Specifically, Keeley Hazell's legendary tits. The only way her tits could be more perfect is if they granted wishes.

CLICK ON THE BANNER PIC. YOU KNOW THE DRILL.

Note: Yes, the guy in the video from NC said "We don't take too kindly to that around here." That's just how we roll, baby.

Keeley Hazell hasn't been on here in a while, so it's time to all change that. Especially since she has the greatest pair of tits in the known galaxy. I swear, if my penis got anywhere inside this chick, I'd blow so hard she'd look like a dolphin.

Click the banner picture to see the rest of the NSFW gallery or click HERE to see God's miraculous wonders.

Megan Fox sex soundboard [Coed Magazine]

Phone sex pranks [College Humor]

Carmen Electra topless [Taxidriver Movie]

The chick from Weeds is naked in Esquire [Egotastic]

Hayden Panettiere and her push up bikini in Details [Popoholic]

Britney Spears hasn't changed [Fatback]

Pirahna 3D will make you gag. Not in the sexy way like I would. [ShockTillYouDrop]

HEY: LET'S BE FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK, MYSPACE, and TWITTER!!

Askmen.com's Top 99 Most Desirable list came out today, and Eva Mendes was voted the Most Desirable of 2009. Yeah, sure, okay.

AskMen.com's Top 99 Most Desirable Women is an annual list compiled by AM readers and staff, ranking the famous females deemed to be the year's most alluring. Readers are asked to look beyond sex appeal and beauty to pick women who have the characteristics they value in a potential companion, like intelligence, humor, charisma, and ambition. The result is a list that acts as the definitive gauge for identifying what modern men desire most in their female companions.

Wow, so AskMen.com is obviously written by dudes in pink ascots drinking chamomile tea because I don't think I've ever used the word "alluring"to describe a chick. Look, I'm not trying to take Eva Mendes on a dangerous jungle adventure to recover a lost diamond, I just want to see how close I can get her ankles to her ears. I can't shake the feeling that Askmen.com might be somewhat overthinking this.

Note: In case you were wondering, the rest of the Top 10 are: #10 Kate Beckinsale, #9 Kristen Bell, #8 Rihana, #7 Scarlett Johansson, #6 Alessandra Ambrosio, #5 Anne Hathaway, #4 Keeley Hazell, #3 Marisa Miller, #2 Megan Fox. Jesus, 10, 9, 6, 4, 3, 2 are like penis powerball numbers.



Keeley Hazell:

Here's Keeley Hazell launching the Playstation 3 game, MotorStorm Pacific Rift, in London yesterday and as you canohmygodwhatthehell. What's the deal with her face? Has it always looked like that? And did she get a breast reduction while I was asleep? I'm confused. So in conclusion, Keeley Hazell's tits look way smaller and her face isn't as pretty. I have a sneaking suspicion that these two might be related somehow.