The Kardashian sisters put tape over their mouths and got airbrushed by alien technology for the pro-gay marriage NOH8 (No Hate - see what they did there??) campaign. They'll be lauded as heroes in the gay community for this but in reality they sat in a hair and makeup chair for two hours, posed for a couple of pictures, then went back to penguin embryo facials and not caring if Greg and Steve can legally get married. And who really cares if they do? If a man wants to marry another man and that makes them happy, I say go for it. That means more vagina for me. And if I can be honest, "more vagina for me" is pretty much my answer for everything.

Being an attention whore takes hard work, so if anything, Kim Kardashian gets points for taking every opportunity to keep the focus clearly on her. She's in a golf cart with somebody whose pregnant and something who just got married, but fuck that. It's all about her. I don't even want to know what Kim would do if Kourtney wins a Nobel Prize or Khloe is shot down from the Empire State building. If I had to guess, next year's Super Bowl halftime show is gonna include Kim Kardashian in a love swing and people from the zoo putting on the giraffe's condom.

Note: I didn't crop the top of Kong Kardashian's head out of the banner pic. Nature did that.

Kim Kardashian participated in a charity boxing match on Tuesday, and as you can tell by her hardcore gear, she meant business. And by business I mean she sat for two hours in a makeup chair and scheduled a baby penguin egg facial on her Blackberry before she came out. I'm surprised when the bell rang that she didn't think she was next in line for a pedicure.

Not that any of you care, but I'm an over sharer who thinks everything is about me, so here's Roy Jones, Jr. My favorite boxer. And a badass. Be sure to make it to the 3:25 mark. I wonder if Griffin's brains needed a Garmin to find their way back to his corner.

Apparently inspired by her sister Kong's shotgun wedding to LA Laker's forward, Lamar Odom, Kim Kardashian cornered Reggie Bush and nagged him until he said yes. National Enquirer reports:

Inspired by sister Khloe's extravagant "wedding", Kim Kardashian has secretly started planning her own wedding to BF Reggie Bush, say sources. Kim and the New Orleans Saints running back - who split in July amid charges they had both cheated - are back together and happier than ever after rekindling their love affair in August, say friends of the couple. "Kim and Reggie haven't looked back since reuniting," said a friend of the couple. "They're already making wedding plans." Kim is the one who popped the question - sort of. "After they got back together, Kim was determined to pin him down on marriage," explained the friend. "So while visiting him in New Orleans following Khloe's wedding, Kim brought up the subject of walking down the aisle. "She was totally surprised when Reggie said, 'Yes, let's do it!'"

Man, I hope I get invited to this wedding. Especially for the giftbags. I've always wanted to try Swisher Sweets and cocoa butter.

I know I've said it before, but this can be the only possible reason he said yes:

TMZ says this picture of newlyweds Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom were taken outside a L.A. hotel last night, but I'm pretty sure it's Greyskull and Odom just held aloft his magic sword, because he's giving this beast a piggy back ride. As you look at this picture, please keep in mind that Lamar Odom is 6'10", 230. He should be able to carry a human-sized chick in a papoose or in a basket like Little Red Riding Hood, but Khloe's snow shoes are hanging by this dude's knees. Dear God, the only way I'd want to see this chick naked is if she was on my soccer team and our plane crashed in the Andes.

The only pictures available right now of their "wedding". If you have a microscope and a low sense of self-worth, feel free to enjoy them:

Kim Kardashian's ass looks like an anaconda that just swallowed a cow, but through the magic of Quik Trim and apparently Peter Jackson's Weta Workshop, Kim Kardashian wants you to know that you can look like this by taking just one pill a day. She says on her official Twitter.

U can get Quick Trim now http://tinyurl.com/nqbjuq It works! Check out my twitpics! I lost my last 6 lbs fast & toned up! Loving QUICK TRIM

Toned up? Yeah, okay. Maybe she has a gun hidden in whatever is going on with her underarms, because I'm pretty sure Batman is gonna mistake her for Clayface or she'll be in the back of the Mystery Machine saying how she would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids.

If you're a rapper or a marginal NFL player, congrats dude, today is your lucky day! Star Magazine reports:

Kim Kardashian made no secret of her intention to wed her NFL star beau of two years Reggie Bush. But it wasn't to be. "Kim and Reggie split up today," her rep Jill Fritzo tells Star. "There was no cheating involved." Sources tell star the Keeping Up With the Kardashians' star and the New Orleans Saints running back couldn't find time for romance due to their busy schedules.

Don't get excited white dudes. I don't know if you knew this our not, but Kourtney is the only Kardashian that doesn't like black guys. Kim and Kong have gotten off more black dudes than Abraham Lincoln, so sorry about your luck, man. If you're white, and you somehow find your penis in Kim's mouth, you might want to cover your ears. Because it will be obvious at that point that The Jigsaw Killer is about to give her instructions.

Here's more pics of Kim Kardashian in a bikini whoring for Sierra Mist. My penis can't handle carbonation, so I'm trying to figure out how Kim's huge boobs on a trampoline are supposed to make me thirsty for the clean, crisp zing of naturally flavored lemon-lime soda. If Sierra Mist just wants me to jerk off, I think they should just come out and say it.