Well, would you look at that. Lindsay Lohan isn't going to be held responsible for something she probably did.

Radar Online reports:

The Los Angeles County District Attorney's Office has decided not to file charges against Lindsay Lohan for an alleged hit and run she was accused of carrying out recently...According the the Los Angeles County District Attorney Charge Evaluation Worksheet, [the alleged victim Thaer] Kamal had credibility issues and changed his story.
However, Lohan is still under investigation for allegedly assaulting Marisa Dugas at a club at The Standard Hotel. Detectives are wrapping up the investigation, and sources connected to the case tell RadarOnline.com that there is enough "compelling evidence" to charge the embattled actress... "Lindsay should be treated just like everyone else and not get any special treatment because she is a celebrity," Mark Haushalter, Dugas' attorney previously [stated.]

Quick, what was Lindsay's last movie? Not one she claimed she was going to be in or this Lifetime bullshit, but a starring role on the big screen. Exactly. Lindsay isn't a movie star anymore, her continued celebrity is completely down to being hauled to court over her drunken shenanigans. It's the ultimate reality show. So even if the guy accusing her was just as much of a cracked-out fame whore looking for a quick buck as she is, Lindsay should be thanking him on bended knee (a position she is more than used to) for keeping her relevant.

As reported yesterday, Lindsay Lohan's hit-and-run case is being turned over to the Los Angeles District Attorney's Office. Please keep in mind that Lindsay denied being at The Standard Hotel that night and claims she was at home watching television even though they have her on surveillance video and three eyewitnesses gave statements to the police. Why would she do that? I don't know. She's a fucking moron with no grip on reality? Radar Online reports:

"There is enough compelling evidence to charge Lindsay with assault as investigators have three very solid and credible witnesses, including the alleged victim," a source close to the situation tells RadarOnline.com...."Investigators wanted to talk to Lindsay but she wasn't made available for an interview, which she was under no obligation to do. Lindsay's attorney has been in contact with detectives so it's not like her camp isn't taking this seriously, they absolutely are. Her advisers just don't think it's in Lindsay's best interest to be interviewed regarding this investigation. Lindsay remains on informal probation for her necklace theft case, and if she is charged, it's extremely likely that she will be sent back to jail."

You know when three-year old's stand in the middle of a room then close their eyes and think you can't see them? Yeah. This is sorta like that but with way more cocaine.

Remember that hit-and-run Lindsay said she wasn't involved in? Yeah, the police just turned it over to the D.A.'s office. TMZ reports:

Lindsay Lohan is about to go back to familiar territory -- the L.A. County D.A. -- because we've learned cops are sending the case involving an alleged hit-and-run by the actress to prosecutors. The manager of the Hookah Lounge on Hollywood Boulevard claims Lindsay was leaving a nearby club March 14 when her car struck him ... and he claims she took off without leaving any info. Lindsay says the guy is making it all up and her car never came near the guy. The manager's story is hinky to say the least ... lots of holes. Nevertheless, we're told the LAPD has completed its investigation and will send the file to the D.A. for review. Sources close to the investigation tell us, after looking at videos and conducting interviews, there isn't enough evidence to prove a crime, but the D.A. will have the final say.

Of course absolutely nothing will happen to Lindsay, because well, nothing ever does. She could resurrect Trayvon Martin and kill him again on the steps of the courthouse and they'd probably present her with the key to city.

Anybody as sexually repressed as Rick Santorum is a fucking weirdo who probably jacks off to teen gang rape videos and collects women's hair he cuts while they're sleeping, so it's no surprise that he stalked Lindsay Lohan at the President's Correspondents Dinner and took a picture of her with his own personal camera. He also wears sweater vests. What's up with this guy? TMZ reports:

Former presidential hopeful Rick Santorum did not take a photo WITH Lindsay Lohan last night -- but sources at the White House Correspondents' Dinner tell TMZ ... he took one OF her. According to our sources inside the party, LiLo was sitting with Fox News personality Greta Van Susteren when Santorum came up to say hello. We're told Lindsay was asked to take a picture of him with Greta using his camera, which she did. Then ... our sources say Rick asked to take a photo of Lindsay using his camera. Yes ... of just Lindsay. We're told Lindsay smiled and obliged and Santorum then went on his way. Our photog asked Rick about the picture after the party ... and he played dumb about the photo.

Of all the people at this dinner, Rick Santorum thought to take a picture with Lindsay Lohan. To reiterate, Lindsay Lohan. I guess he's going to take it home and stare longingly as he imagines taking her back to his beach house in 1692 Salem and having missionary sex for five minutes. Sounds pretty hot.

Rosie O'Donnell was on the Today show with Matt Lauer this morning, and everything was going boring until she was asked her thoughts on Lindsay Lohan being cast as Elizabeth Taylor. Then it got less boring. TMZ reports:

O'Donnell instantly made her feelings known -- "I feel very sorry for her ... I think she needs a lot of time away ... She's had a lot of trouble doing every single movie, including SNL. She was out and not in rehearsal. I think she's not in a place to work." When Deutsch suggested, "She's our generation's Elizabeth Taylor" ... O'Donnell lost it. "You're out of your mind! You're a crackhead! The last thing she did good she was sixteen." Rosie continued, "I don't think she's right for the role and I don't think she's capable at this point to portray that character."

Usually whatever comes out of O'Donnell's mouth is insane conspiracies and not food, but she's pretty much dead on here. Lindsay should be chained to a wall in a rehab clinic wearing a shock collar whenever she thinks about vodka or cocaine. Actually they should make that movie instead. You're welcome, Hollywood.

Hey, remember when Lindsay allegedly got into a fight at the Standard Hotel less than two weeks after her probation ended and her rep immediately said she wasn't there and it was just some scheme looking to cash in because Lindsay is so insanely rich because she does commercials for Beezid.com? Yeah, I guess that's her ghost on the surveillance video and the fight didn't happen because she's not an entitled bitch. Easy misunderstanding. TMZ reports:

Lindsay Lohan was the instigator, aggressor and drink-tosser in the fight at The Standard Hotel Wednesday night ... this according to a witness who was with the other girl involved in the altercation. The witness tells us ... the incident began after a major misunderstanding between the two sides while they were partying at the Smoke and Mirrors nightclub inside the hotel. We're told the girl was hanging out at the booth next to Lindsay's ... when Lohan tapped her on the shoulder aggressively and asked, "Did you bump into me?" The girl denied the bump ... and suggested the real culprit could have been one of the guys in Lindsay's group. She then pointed to one of the men. Lindsay replied, "That's my dad ... why would he bump me?" The girl shot back, "You go clubbing with your dad?" That's when Lindsay snapped ... so says the witness ... who claims Lindsay began cussing at the girl and then threw a drink at her face.

If the five years of Lindsay posts haven't tipped you off by now, Lindsay is physically incapable of not going to bar and doing something completely retarded. She can't help herself. Instead of doing quality work and living a somewhat sane life to get the respect and admiration she desperately craves, she chooses to live in the world of her own mind where it's 2003 and she's a huge Hollywood star where everybody doesn't know that she'll drop to her knees if you're holding a gram. She's an idiot with no perspective on herself who'll probably be found dead in a ditch with her panties stuffed in her mouth and tire iron stuck up her ass. Btw, Investigative Discovery shows some weird shit sometimes.

Lindsay Lohan is a vile and disgusting person, so it just makes sense that a porn star named Voodoo would go on something called The Jim Richards Show and say Lindsay paid him to have sex with her while her dad was sleeping upstairs. Radar Online reports:

"Ask him [Michael Lohan] if he knows about that night I had with his daughter while he was sleeping upstairs," Voodoo says. "I'm not joking!" Not only does Voodoo claim to have had "relations" with Lindsay, but he makes it sound like she paid him. "Many of these Hollywood celebrities pay me a high price dollar to come and satisfy them. I'm not joking!" he says. To clarify, host Jim Richards says, "So you've been with Lindsay Lohan?" "I'm saying that," Voodoo confirms.

I don't know anything about this guy, but some company should hire him to be in their commercials. And when the commercial mentions slashing prices and that they are literally giving away the entire store for one day only, Voodoo can jump in and say, "I'm not joking!". Seriously, folks! He's not joking!

To make a long story short, Lindsay Lohan is a fuck up. There's really no other phrase that can truly encapsulate the magic that is Lindsay, and last week she hit somebody with her car outside Hookah Lounge then fled the scene. She of course said it wasn't her when she was finally pulled over, that's because she's not above throwing an innocent passenger under the bus. Since the LAPD will not rest until Lindsay actually finally kills another human being, Lindsay was not arrested and they will only pursue this as an open investigation if the individual who was hit files a report. Well, he is. And of course Lindsay is trying her usual strong arm tactic when she feels she might be held accountable for her actions: she's threatening to sue. Radar Online reports:

"Lindsay won't be taken advantage of by this opportunist, which he clearly is. Lindsay has told her attorney, Shawn Holley, to convey to the Hookah manger's lawyer that if he files a lawsuit against her Lindsay will come back at him with everything she has," a source close to the situation tells RadarOnline.com. "Lindsay will immediately file a counter-suit against him, for libel, defamation and other claims. Lindsay is in the midst of a comeback right now and she won't let this guy try and make a quick buck off of her. If he is smart he should recognize that he has no facts to support his allegations and take this no further."

Yes, of course. Totally. This guy is an opportunist. He walked into that car so he could get reap untold fortunes from the $200.32 in Lindsay's account. And even if this guy completely made this whole story up, Lindsay is in this situation because she puts herself into these situations. You're on probation, you dumb bitch. Stay the fuck home and you won't have to worry about not knowing how to drive. It's really not that difficult. But then again you're pretty stupid. You might want to get that looked at.