In an interview with the New York Times yesterday, Megan Fox had to talk. I wonder what happened?!

“Women tear each other apart,” she told me now. “Girls think I’m a slut, and I’ve been in the same relationship since I was 18. The problem is, if they think you’re attractive, you’re either stupid or a whore or a dumb whore. The instinct among girls is to attack the jugular.” Fox says she believes that Hollywood reinforces these stereotypes and prejudices. She seems to think that her constant references to sex are a kind of feminist stance, that while she may seem like a headline-seeking provocateur, she is simply navigating a complex and chauvinistic world. “If I had been a typical starlet and said all the right things, I wouldn’t have escalated to this level,” Fox explained. “I sit down and do an interview and I talk like a person and that, for some reason, is shocking. All women in Hollywood are known as sex symbols. You’re sold, and it’s based on sex. That’s O.K., if you know how to use it.” Fox paused. “It’s been a crazy year. I’ve learned that being a celebrity is like being a sacrificial lamb. At some point, no matter how high the pedestal that they put you on, they’re going to tear you down. And I created a character as an offering for the sacrifice. I’m not willing to give my true self up. It’s a testament to my real personality that I would go so far as to make up another personality to give to the world. The reality is, I’m hidden amongst all the insanity. Nobody can find me.”

As much as I want to stick a shoe horn in her ass, I really wish Megan Fox would shut up. It's not really turning me on. Wait, who am I kidding? This interview could have been her talking about magic beans and her Little Pony collection and I'd still need some baby wipes.

Normally if I saw Brian Austin Green, I would give him a hammer strike to the temple and while he was flopping around on the ground like Hellen Keller at dinner time, I would nonchalantly take out my my serrated, open-assist Kershaw and ask him if he knew that the aorta runs the entire length of the torso. Then I realized that in between wrapping her legs around his head and using her as a feedbag, he has to listen to her talk all day. She rambles asinine nonsense in interviews, so God knows what comes out of her mouth when nobody is their to put in print. If I had to guess, she's talking about how Bigfoot was responsible for the WTC bombings or how she wants to make her cat a licensed Tarot card reader.

Maxim has released outtakes from Megan Fox's photoshoot, and all I have to say is that I would fuck her dumb ass so hard she would need a special helmet and a seizure alert dog. That is all.

My completely normal, not weird at all obsession with Megan Fox was just about over, but then she decided to go shopping in LA yesterday in these ridiculously short shorts. I'm not even going to get into what I would do to this chick, but you might have seen it on an episode of Law & Order: SVU.

Usually when Megan Fox opens her mouth it's like a retarded kid trying to explain the Nash equilibrium, but when it comes to using your hot body to get famous, she actually understands that very well. Showbiz Spy reports:

“I’ve always laughed at actresses who complain about having to do sexy roles when they’re starting out,” Fox told the UK’s Skymag. “Who are they kidding? That’s the key to getting attention and moving on to better things. I grew up with this rebellious streak of not wanting to conform. I was sent to this strict Christian school that I hated and we were all told that the theory of evolution was wrong and sex was wrong. It was a nightmare. Women are supposed to project their sexuality yet there’s this strange stigma when it comes to talking about sex. I’m not afraid to say how much I enjoy sex. I’m not shy.”

Nobody is gonna confuse Megan Fox with Lydia Chapin Taft, but let's be honest, she has a point. And a hot ass. Many theorists believe this is why Lydia Chapin Taft only got to vote twice. "Her ass wasn't that hot. It wasn't that hot at all.", a man from 1752 was quoted as saying.

Since Hollywood isn't progressive enough to nominate actresses in the category of "Best Performance In The Angry Indian" or "Best Actress In A Supporting Role (Threesome)", I guess I'll have to make do with Megan Fox winning Best Sci-Fi Actress at the 2009 Spike TV's Scream Awards last night. Because, let's face it, if it doesn't involve robots or semen, this is probably the best she's gonna do. Unless of course she wants to try her luck in winning the coveted "World's Greatest Anal" mug in my dishwasher. I'm not gonna lie, competition has been fierce lately.

My beloved Megan Fox made an unscheduled appearance as a celebrity bartender at Sonny McLean’s Irish Pub in Santa Monica to raise money for charity, and I'm just a little pissed that I didn't know about this because I've been practicing my pickup lines for when I meet her for a while now. "Are you a sergeant? Because you make my privates stand at attention." "I know I don't have your virginity, but can I have the box it came in?" What lady could resist?!? I'm so smooth!

Megan Fox and her sexy little ass is on the cover GQ UK Details (whatever that is) this month, and all I really have to say here is take a look the these pictures. Now imagine me waking up to that. Now imagine my semen looking like a Skittles rainbow being shot out like that beam on the Death Star. Because I'm pretty sure it would happen.