I knew this day would eventually come, my friends. So stop what you're doing and start a candle light vigil for my penis and dreams because Brian Austin Green's seed has now polluted the womb of my beloved Megan Fox.
Radar Online reports:

The 25-year-old brunette beauty and her hubby of nearly two years, Brian Austin Green, are expecting their first child together and couldn't be more excited, Star magazine is exclusively reporting. "They just found out and are incredibly excited," a source close to the couple told Star, noting that the pregnancy was unexpected.

I'm gonna lie, I was completely caught off-guard by this news. I honestly didn't think this was how our imaginary sexual relationship would play out. I just thought we were on a break. :(

I have no idea what this commercial is supposed to be about except my recurring dream and the importance of knowing how to speak English.

Because a ginger cokeslut with rectal bleeding and night sweats probably isn't the best choice to play a Hollywood beauty icon, Megan Fox is now being considered for the oh so coveted role of Elizabeth Taylor On the My Husband Beat Me And Somebody Stole My Identity Then My Husband Cheated On Me And I Have Multiple Personalities I Might Also Shoplift And I Was Raped Once Channel.
Hollywoodscoop reports:

Megan Fox, is reportedly also in talks to play Liz Taylor in the made-for-TV biopic. Both Megan Fox and Lindsay are shortlisted for the role, which is bad news for Lindsay, who was hoping this role would finally be her career comeback. According to Larry Thompson, the film’s producer, “I’ve been talking to Lindsay Lohan directly, and with her reps, and have been in conversation with other actresses, including Megan Fox,” he tells E! News. “It’s a very serious selection. It’s like casting for Hollywood royalty,” he adds.

Free press and publicity by pulling actresses' names out of a hat is always a good thing I guess, especially for a made-for-TV movie that nobody will see, but let's get real here. This movie is on Lifetime. I'm pretty sure the "shortlist" includes Candace Cameron and Tiffany Amber Thiessen. Then Candace Cameron again.

I haven't put up a Megan Fox post in a while, but I guess she should have thought of that before she had her picture taken with her mouth open. She may have to open a little wider, but we can work with that. Oh, btw, she was in Moscow for something called Vertu Touch Screen Handset Launch. No idea. But let's all just assume that Clive Owen banged her.

It's like taking a Ferrari to the shop to get a dent taken out. US Magazine reports:

"I'm removing it," Fox says. "She was a negative person, she was disturbed, bipolar. I do not want to attract this kind of negative energy in my life." (Indeed, the notoriously troubled Monroe died in 1962 at age 36 of a drug overdose.) But the Transformers bombshell has plenty of other body art staying on -- with over nine other tattoos, including a quote in honor of her Passion Play costar Mickey Rourke on her ribcage, a tribal tattoo on her left wrist and another quote on her shoulder. "Who knows, maybe I'll remove the others too, but the laser hurts." Fox also fesses up to removing, like so many young women before her, a naval piercing. "I did it when I was 16-years-old because I was a fan of Britney Spears," she explains. "The only time I tried to imitate someone else. But then I thought it was tacky and so I removed it when I turned 20."

Right. Because a tattoo is a conduit for evil forces who will kill you with their negative energy. That's why tattoos are the leading cause of death in no place that ever existed.

She's also not a suicidal husband of anyone on a Bravo show, an artificially avant garde pop star, or on Jersey Shore. Seeing as I have football to watch, whiskey to shoot, and cupcakes to eat, those are reasons enough.

Here's Megan Fox on the set of Judd Apatow's new movie, This Is Forty. IMDB really doesn't say anything about the plot, but I'm gonna take a wild guess and say it's about neurotic white people in a relationship. And there's a funny scenario involved! Then somebody cries! And Leslie Mann has a big part because she's been fucking Judd Apatow for 14 years. And hopefully something about Megan Fox's boobs.

I really don't know why liberals say we should raise taxes. It doesn't makes any sense. The Republicans are right. I mean, because as long we can borrow a billion dollars a month from China and stuff the late notice in the couch and ignore the 800 number that keeps calling, we'll be fine. So while they wait to send somebody over here with a baseball to break our legs, China put Megan Fox on the August cover of Elle China. "Damn. Dat ass", a guy tending rice said during his lunch break.