For all intents and purposes, PETA is a terrorist organization and a death cult who kill more animals than 1,000 people who wear fur, so if you really want me to get behind your cause, you're really gonna have to do a lot better than Kong, a 40-chick with Hep C, and a vagina that looks like Stargate.So thank God somebody over there took time out from throwing frozen kittens in dumpsters and called Keeley Hazell to be in their ads. Specifically, Keeley Hazell's legendary tits. The only way her tits could be more perfect is if they granted wishes.

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Note: Yes, the guy in the video from NC said "We don't take too kindly to that around here." That's just how we roll, baby.

Unless you're spaceship just landed or you just got released from and underground bunker to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, you know that former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, admitted to playing with herself for her boyfriend on camera. So, through the magic of the Internet, somebody has posted stills from the tape claiming it's her. I can't tell, it sorta looks like her, but I've been wrong before. Turns out that girl last night was actually your sister. In my defense, the top of her head wasn't that recognizable.

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I've wanted to go spelunking in between Carmen Electra's legs like Batman since 1995, so this video that showed up online yesterday of her getting it on with some chick is what one might call "good news". If I walked in on this, I really hope she would have renter's insurance because I'm pretty sure my fucking head would explode.

Being the ugliest Victoria's Secret model is like being the ugliest guy to fuck Angelina Jolie. It doesn't really matter. So here's Victoria's Secret model Shannan Chick getting all kinds of naked for some photoshoot at a house. This isn't really like the photoshoots at my house at all. She must have behaved really good that day, because how else do you explain her being able to walk around without being chained to the floor? I usually do one of those clothes line things that give them full access to the yard, but I've always been known to be a gentleman.

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Christ, I mention tits this morning and that's all you guys care about. Well, what about me?! What about my feelings?! Don't touch me! What does everything have to be about you?!

CLICK ON THE BANNER PIC TO SEE HOW MUCH GOD LOVES LUCY PINDER AND EVE WYRWAL AND HOW MUCH HE HATES YOU (NSFW)

I really hope you're not eating breakfast, but I was coughing up stuff that looked like snails yesterday, so sorry about the lack of posts (and jokes) yesterday. I'm feeling much better now, thanks for asking, and I promise to make it up to you. But not like how I made it up to your sister. The doctor said she won't need the walker soon, so that's good news. I don't know where I was going with that, but here's 19-year old Twilight star, Christian Serratos, in PETA's new "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur" campaign. Really? They do make clothes not made out of fur now, right? I mean, this isn't 10,000 B.C and the wooly mammoth isn't the hottest trend for fall. I have an idea, wear something else. For example, the lady in Kohl's told me that the tie-dyed henley really brings out my eyes. Long story short, she blew me. True story!

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As promised when I posted the Shauna Sand sex tape pictures, or threatened (that really all depends on you), here's the exclusive clip of Shauna Sand's sex tape that Vivid sent over. If your office has a strict "no tranny porn" policy I might not watch it. If they don't feel free. But be sure it's in a place where nobody can hear you scream.

Since Vivid thinks I'm a pervert with a marvelous dong, they approached us to see if we wanted to post pics Shauna Sand's sex tape. Are they some kind of warlock mystics? It's like they were reading into my very soul!!


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NOTE: Be sure to check back today. We have exclusive clips as well. Will wonders ever cease?!