Please keep in mind that Paris Hilton has herpes, a saggy eye, comically oversized feet, and looks like Big Bird if Big Bird had a bombed out vagina, so imagine what she would say if a radio station asked her if she would rather have Jessica Simpson's rack or Kim Kardashian's ass. Surprise! She said:

On Kim Kardashian's ass:
"I would not want that, that's gross. It's disgusting."..."It reminds me of cottage cheese inside of a big trash bag."

On Jessica Simpson's breasts:
"I like how mine are. I don't like big boobs, I think they're too... big."

Man, I wonder what kind of frame Paris has for her magic mirror. It's gorgeous, I bet.


Audio clip via Extra

Paris Hilton's saggy, out of shape butt flaps:


Paris Hilton's flat chest:

This weekend Paris Hilton was seen at several spots around L.A. with a Buddhist monk. The pair were photographed discussing literature in a spiritual bookshop, and at one point, Paris gave away a piece of diamond jewelry at the request of the monk; leading many to believe that Paris was finally trying to shed her party-girl image. But the burning question still remains, who is this enlightened savior? Does he come from a mystical far away land? Um, no TMZ reports:

Her "Guru" that has supposedly changed her life is actually a Hollywood actor. His name is Maxie Santillan. He's starred in tons of films and TV shows including "My Name is Earl" and "Pirates of the Caribbean." According to IMDB, Maxie's latest projects are all in "post production"..."

His MySpace he says, "My looks use to get me in trouble... and now my looks are making me money." Be careful ladies, this one might steal your money and your heart!

Despite reports that Paris Hilton and Elisha Cuthbert were "all over each other" at New York City's Tenjune on Tuesday night, a rep for Paris says it never happened. OK! says

It's false," a rep for the Simple Life star tells OK!. "Elisha and Paris are good friends and Elisha has a boyfriend. Paris doesn't kiss girls."..."They were talking close due to a loud restaurant," the rep says.

"Paris is bi" stories pop up every once in a while (like her rumored sex tape with Playboy Playmate, Nicole Lenz) whenever they want you to be reminded that this skank is supposed to be some kind of sex symbol. And boy, I think it's working. Paris Hilton and Elisha Cuthbert? Oh baby. I can barely even wait to start masturbating to the thought of a Valtrex-scented retard going down on a chick that looks like my paperboy. Ooh yeah, like that. Work it you sexy little bitch.

By the way, here's Paris not kissing MTV Latin America VJ, Eglantina Zingg (NSFW):

Whatever you do tonight, please do it safe. Don't be like Paris Hilton and spread herpes. Don't be like Lindsay Lohan and crash your car while you're drunk and high. If your crotch looks like Britney's, please close your legs.

We'll be back on January 2nd. Until then, enjoy New Year's Eve with Paris and Nicky Hilton. They're "like two niggers!"

Paris Hilton says she is planning to donate a stack of her clothes and shoes because she claims she has more than she could ever wear. Oh, and she's a whore. She says:

I have, like, a million clothes and more than 500 pairs of shoes, so I'm going to give a bunch of them to orphanages and children's hospitals. I never wear something twice."

Paris probably didn't think this through, because I don't know many orphanages that take kids skiing. Because that would be the only way they could use Paris' gigantic shoes. Maybe it's an orphanage for Eskimo kids. That could work. Snow shoes are pretty expensive.

"These shoes suck:"

Due to public outcry, every major network stopped bidding for the rights to carry Paris Hilton's "exclusive" post jail interview, so she appeared on Larry King last night for free. Where she then told Larry King that she's never used drugs. Ever. In her life. I'm not sure if Paris is aware of that invention called the "Internet," but all she has to do is click here to see that, yes, she likes drugs. She likes drugs a lot. And penis. If one day science discovers a way for people to get high from giving blowjobs, we can assume Paris has two wishes left.

Watch two videos of Paris Hilton doing drugs after the jump!

I couldn't sleep tonight and now I know why. My body wanted to keep me awake so I could receive this really good news from TMZ:

After 23 days in jail, Paris Hilton is finally a free woman.

The heiress was released from prison shortly after midnight on Tuesday. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ that Paris has lost nearly 10 pounds during her stay and that on her way out of jail, she stopped to change clothes in a public restroom that "smells rancid."

Sources also tell TMZ that Lynwood jail is happy to see Paris go and they hope that now things can get back to normal. Don't we all.

Story developing ..."

Why do people always refer to the Retarded Ostrich as "the heiress?" Why not "the herpes spreader" or "cum crusted saggy eyelid-girl" or "puke?" those descriptions seem to make more sense, and you don't need to bother with that pesky "i before e, except after c" rule.

Paris Hilton Released From Jail
Uploaded by IDLYITWdotcom
Video thanks to "tiger" via email.

Update: Vidcaps courtesy of Chris, sent via email:

*Updated, see below

Radar Online is reporting Sheriff Lee Baca (the guy who let Paris out of jail) accepted a $1,000 campaign donation last year from Paris Hilton's grandfather, William Barron Hilton. $1,000 is the maximum amount allowable under California campaign rules. Furthermore...

In office since 1998, Baca has cultivated close ties to the Hollywood community. Others who donated money to his campaign last year included Rupert Murdoch, Les Moonves, Ron Meyer, Brad Grey, Steven Segal, and Burt Bacharach. He was assailed last year over a claim by the Sheriff's Department that Mel Gibson had been arrested without incident, when the star had actually spewed anti-Semitic statements after getting pulled over for drunk driving. It soon emerged that Gibson had taped a public service announcement for Baca's relief committee."

It only costs $1,000 to get out of jail? Now I'm angry. There I was in that cell giving up every hole to anyone I could, and all I got was that lousy pack of cigarettes and a set of dominos made out of soap. God, I'm a dumb whore. But I'm really good at dominos!

Remember these fun little videos?




Update: A piece of Sheriff Lee Baca's b.s. news conference a few minutes ago...

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