And I shall call him Jorge Villalobos Cruz-Bardem. Us Magazine (via Hola) reports:

Congratulations are in order for Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz, who welcomed their first child -- a boy! -- together on Tuesday. According to Spanish newspaper El Pais, the infant was born at Cedars Sinai Hospital in L.A.; Spanish magazine Hola broke news of the baby's gender. Hola also reports that members of the couple's family flew in from Spain for the birth: Cruz's mother, brother and sister, plus Bardem's mother.

Wow. I didn't even know Penelope Cruz was pregnant. But I guess I should have assumed. Because you can't outfuck Mexicans. You just can't. If they had a Mexican Teen Mom, their audition lines would look like American Idol.

Note: Yes, I am fully aware that they are Spanish. And yes, I am fully aware that I said they are Mexican. But please keep in mind that I don't care. Thanks!

I wish this post had a vuvuzela button. People reports:

Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem have always kept their romance under the radar – and their intimate wedding was equally low-profile. Cruz, 36, and Javier Bardem, 41, exchanged vows in front of family members during a small, private ceremony held at a friend’s home in the Bahamas earlier this month, her rep confirms to PEOPLE. The bride wore a gown designed by designer John Galliano, a longtime friend of the actress.

The article goes on to call the couple "Spanish lovebirds" (which sounds like a sex act you do on a dare), but there's a long standing rumor that Penelope Cruz is a lesbian. So that would make Javier Bardem her beard. Not that I care, because Javier Bardem kicked ass in Collateral and No Country for Old Men . Also, I would very much appreciate it if Penelope Cruz let me titty fuck her. I also would like to know more about the sphinx. It's a lion with a human head. What's up with that?

Monica Cruz looks like a cross between her hot sister and Vida Guerra, and although that's not as sexy as it sounds, she showed up at the Mango Fashion Show in Barcelona this week and flashed her underwear. How refreshing. Mark my words, if this was Lindsay Lohan, this post would probably involve the phrases "head of lettuce" or "Clifford The Big Red Dog's ears."

A few months ago, people tried to make Woody Allen movies relevant and interesting by leaking that in a scene in his new movie, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson kiss. Penelope Cruz has just made it uninteresting. FOX News reports:

While relationship questions regarding Bardem were off-limits at the film's Los Angeles press day over the weekend, Cruz admitted that kissing Johansson wasn't anything special."We didn't talk about it much, then Woody told us how the shot was going to be, but Scarlett and I don't have any funny stories to tell about it," Cruz said. "It felt [like] nothing, nothing happened."

It's really hard to mess up a brunette and a blonde with big tits making out, but if anyone could do it, it'd be Woody Allen. Hey, I like neurotic whiners who have sex with Asian children as much as the next guy, shooting scenes with hot chicks isn't really his thing. You'd have a better chance getting turned on by a blank piece of construction paper than you would a Woody Allen movie.

Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson at the premiere of Vicky Cristina Barcelona:

Mischa Barton's cheesy cellulite [Hollywood Rag]
Lindsay Lohan's mom is a Mother of the Year [Dlisted]
Every Simpson's couch gag ever [College Humor]
Lindsay Lohan on Ugly Betty [Just Jared]
Hilary Duff and her questionable cleavage [Hollywood Tuna]
Olsen Twin porn [City Rag]
More Bai Ling bikini pictures (NSFW ads) [Drunken Stepfather]
Heidi Klum is still in [Popsugar]
Uma Thurman's panty upskirt (NSFW) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Mark Wahlberg has a new movie [Popoholic]
Rihanna gets Photoshopped [Egotastic]
John Travolta's subway heist costume [ASL]

Penelope Cruz at the beach:

The Church of Scientology and Tom Cruise are threatening a $100 million lawsuit against St. Martin's Press and Andrew Morton, publisher and author of, Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography. In the explosive new book, Morton claims: Cruise is the second-highest ranking member of The Church of Scientology, Katie Holmes was impregnated with L. Ron Hubbard's frozen sperm, Cruise had a homosexual encounter on the set of Eyes Wide Shut, Scientologists planted a field of wildflowers in a Scientology enclave outside Los Angeles so Cruise could live out a fantasy of running through it with Nicole Kidman, Scientology forced Cruise to divorce Kidman because she failed to embrace the "religion," and Penelope Cruz and Sofia Vergara were turned off by his complete allegiance to Scientology while Cruise was dating them. New York Daily News reports:

The book is a vicious and false attack on a man, his religion and his family. I find it disgusting and sick that this author would compare any child to 'Rosemary's Baby,'" Cruise spokesman Paul Bloch told the Daily News yesterday. "The author never interviewed anyone close to Tom Cruise. If they had, there would have been no book to be written."...Top Scientology lawyer Elliot Abelson told The News that Morton's allegations were demonstrably false and published with a reckless disregard for the truth - setting him and his publisher up for big defamation lawsuits. "I underestimated how bad it would be," Abelson said. "There will be a huge swell of resentment that this book even came out."

Three years ago, Tom Cruise was Hollywood's own Midas. Now, he's the gay Darth Vader of Scientology, whose idea of a hot time with his wife involves a needle, some anesthesia, and a lab. Wow. Tom Cruise would seem less crazy if he turned out to be the Zodiac Killer.

Sofia Vergara:

Penelope Cruz's sister and her cousin went to the beach, and surprise, somebody took their top off. This basically happens every time Penelope Cruz and her family go to the beach. Coincidentally, Penelope Cruz was just recently voted the person I'd "Most Likely Want to Go to the Beach With."

Some of these are NSFW:


Thanks to Mark in Tennessee for sending these in!

I'm glad these pictures were labeled "Shakira and Penelope Cruz out at Club Parc," because at first I was wondering why paparazzi would be hanging out during shift change at the Holiday Inn. At least Penelope Cruz is trying to be hot. Shakira is the most disappointing sex symbol in Hollywood. Looking at her in these pictures is like looking at Darth Vader with his helmet off. Who you thought was a fierce badass is just a burnt up old guy who needs oxygen.