Marty Rathbun, a former Scientology executive who defected in 2004, says Scientology's Office of Special Affairs launched a full investigation into South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone after they completely shredded The Church of Scientology in the classic, 2005 episode, "Trapped in the Closet." No, Scientology isn't crazy. Not crazy at all.

The following internal Corporate Scientology memorandum is being published as part of a series that exposes the standard operating pattern and methodologies of the Office of Special Affairs (OSA – the harassment and terror network of Corporate Scientology). Hubbard once noted the truism that that which one knows the technology of he cannot be the adverse effect of. So it behooves those who have decided to expose and reform the beast to know a little about the tactics it employs to combat such efforts. To this day OSA operates mainly on Cold War era intelligence and propaganda techniques much like those of the CIA, the FBI, the KGB, and STASI of the fifties and sixties. Their main activity entails stifling criticism by an escalating gradient of techniques beginning with quiet investigation and moving up to infiltration, identification of and use of influential friends and contacts of the target, loud investigation, threats, attempts to harm the target financially, intense propaganda to discredit and ultimately, if all else fails, utter destruction of the target through overt harassment. While in this age of information many OSA operations result in epic failures, the well-heeled – if desperate – cult continues to muzzle many a would-be reformer and news agency. In ’06 the creators of South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, became targets of Corporate Scientology’s OSA. Operations were run in an attempt to silence Parker and Stone. While Corporate Scientology was ultimately unsuccessful, left behind an instructive data trail during their efforts.

You can read the actual document over at Marty Rathbun's blog here, but please understand that it will be the most paranoid, batshit thing you will read all day. I'd rather take a drink from Jim Jones or visit a house with Charles Manson than step foot anywhere near the Church of Scientology. Well, except that time I went to Gelson's. I was out of beer, so it was kind of an emergency.

Let's not pretend anything here, Scientology is a dangerous cult started by a fat guy who liked science fiction. But, hey, if you donate a lot of money they'll give you a guy to pimp your ride for $10 a day. Sweet! Radar Online reports:

The Church of Scientology is under FBI investigation in connection with allegations of human trafficking and the use of unpaid labor, according to a report from The New Yorker, which said that even A-lister Tom Cruise has put church members to work for him for little-to-no-pay. David Miscavige -- a church head and Cruise's best man at his wedding to Katie Holmes -- put church members, such as former Scientologist John Brosseau, to work customizing Cruise's SUV, two motorcycles and a building, according to the report. "Cruise asked me, 'God, could you paint my bike like that?' I looked at Miscavige, and Miscavige agreed," Brosseau, 30, told The New Yorker of his 2005 run-in with the Days Of Thunder star, which he said took place at a church location in the Southern California desert. Brosseau told the magazine that both of the motorcycles Cruise brought him, a Triumph and a Honda, received thousands of dollars of free work, as he took apart, nickel-plated, repainted and reassembled the bikes to the star’s liking. His compensation? "I was getting paid $50 a week," Brosseau told the magazine. "And I'm supposed to be working for the betterment of mankind." The Church of Scientology's Tommy Davis told The New Yorker, in response, that the Collateral star has more than done his part for the institution. "Whatever small economic benefit Mr. Cruise may have received from the assistance of church staff pales in comparison to the benefits the church has received from Mr. Cruise's many years of volunteer efforts for the church," David told the magazine.

I would rather have a sister in a shark's mouth than a brother in Scientology, so I believe every single word I read about Scientology. I also believe that the children are our future.

Shortly after the death of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard in 1986, David Miscavige (banner pic) became the leader Church of Scientology. He is one of Tom Cruise's closest friends and even served as best man at Cruise's 2006 wedding to Katie Holmes. That's what best friends do. Oh, and show your recorded confessionals at parties. TMZ reports:

Tom Cruise was secretly videotaped as he spilled his guts in Scientology confessional sessions, and those tapes became fodder for Scientology cocktail party humor ... this according to a high-profile and former high-level member of Scientology. Mark Rathbun says in his blog, he recorded Cruise during the confessional sessions and Scientology guru David Miscavige read the transcripts at parties, "joking and laughing" at them. Rathbun says the video was "well-concealed" in the VIP auditing room, per orders of Miscavige. Rathbun says Miscavige ordered him to prepare transcripts of the sessions. Then, according to Rathbun, Miscavige would hold late night whiskey parties, reading the transcripts and laughing out loud. The nature of Tom's alleged confessions were not disclosed.

Miscavige suffers from asthma and severe allergies and he might be 5'1" if he wore stilts and stood on a park bench, so I'm not understanding how Tom Cruise could let him get away with this. I'm pretty sure you could trap him in a room by having a cat and pollen guard the door.

The always fantastic Mark Ebner, the only real investigative journalist in Hollywood, has outed Jim Carrey for basically outing himself as a Scientologist.

In one ill-advised Twitter thread, former funny-man Jim Carrey explains his cosmic drift into cult-induced irrelevance. (note: Carrey’s anti-pharmaceutical ranting and use of the tell-tale Scientology catch-phrase, “suppressive types.”

You can see the screencaps of Carrey's Twitter rant HERE, but be warned, Jim Carrey is out of his mind. Especially since Scientology would make more sense if it was based on what Dora The Explorer pulled out of her backpack.

Last Thursday, ABC's Nightline ran an investigative report that threw more fire on the burning corpse of Scientology, exposing the lunatics who believe that an intergalactic god named Xenu, with the help of psychiatrists, paralyzed billions of citizens of his overpopulated planet, captured their souls, then came to Earth in a DC-8 and threw them into a volcano (yes, they actually believe that). The report focused on the "church's" insane mythology, their celebrity worshippers (Tom Cruise, Will Smith, John Travolta) and allegations that the cult's leader David Miscavige beats and demoralizes staff. In an effort to bring rational and logical counterpoints to these arguments, Scientology rolled out their psychotic spokesman, Tommy Davis (actress Anne Archer's son), to plead their case. How do you think it went? I know, I was shocked too!! Page Six reports:

After telling Bashir he wouldn't discuss "disgusting perversions" of the religion, Davis, with the camera still rolling, removed his microphone and stormed off the set. The dust-up was included in the piece. But just 45 minutes before the segment was to air on Thursday, Davis showed up at ABC headquarters on West 67th Street and asked to speak to Bashir and the show's executive producer about the interview. "He demanded to a security guard that he be let in," a network insider told Page Six. "The guard called 'Nightline' staffers down to come deal with him. He was told as politely as possible that the piece was cut and in the can and could not be changed and that Martin would be unable to see him. He was then asked to leave." Adds our source, "He was not happy."

I'm not going to go into the sheer madness that is Scientology, because you can read all about that yourself, but at this point, you'd have better luck joining a religion based on Go Diego Go! or my three-legged cat's dreams.

Watch parts 1 & 2 of Nightline's investigative report on Scientology below:





Famous Scientologists being objectified:

Erika Christensen:


Leah Remini:


Jenna Elfman:

Nancy Cartwright, a devout $cientologist and voice of Bart Simpson, is using the voice of the pop culture icon in robocalls to promote upcoming $cientology events. I'm not sure what position that puts her in from a contractual standpoint, but I'm pretty sure that Matt Groening can legally take her outside and stone her.

As you may already know, Jett Travolta, the 16-year old son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston, died on Friday of blunt trauma to the head after he suffered a seizure in the bathroom of his family's Bahama vacation home. As you may not already know, I look awesome in turtlenecks! Anyway, here's all the Travolta crap that happened this weekend. Brace yourself:

Jett had seizures every four days that were "like death" except when, you know, they were "very much like death". [TMZ]

The EMT who responded to the scene says Travolta and Preston begged Jett to wake up in the ambulance. He also noticed Travolta's hair. [FOXNews]

"The Scientology celebrity ethics officer would also actively look for one or more people in the Travoltas' circle of friends, acquaintances who might be antagonistic to or even anti-Scientology and who could have had sufficient negative influence to "cause" such a tragedy. That person would then be the target of possible disconnection (shunning), firing or lawsuit/fair game." Sweet! [Why We Protest]

Jett's two nannies, Jeff and Ana Kathrein, left him unattended for 10 hours. What could go wrong? [TMZ]

Jeff Kathrein (banner picture) is John Travolta's long-time rumored live in gay lover. [Gawker]

Ana Kathrein is a Grade III Scientologist and a wedding photographer. Man, how did they get someone with such qualifications to take care of their son who suffered from several severe medical conditions? Just lucky I guess! [Gawker]

Travolta and Preston have released a statement. It made kitty sad. [US Magazine]

The autopsy results may be available today. Hopefully it will be able to solve the mystery of how a person can die from having a seizure then banging their head on a bathtub. I just can't figure it out! [USA Today]

Due to several death threats received from groups opposing Scientology and Tom Cruise's portrayal of Nazi officer, Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, in his new film Valkyrie, Cruise and his family are reportedly living in fear and are now residing in different locations and only travel in bomb-proof vehicles. The Daily Mail reports:

The Mail on Sunday can reveal that security has been stepped up around Cruise, 46, Holmes, 30, and their two-year-old daughter Suri...Last week Cruise attended the Los Angeles premiere of the movie, which was targeted by protesters from the anti-Scientology group Anonymous. He has been forced to increase security around his family since then. "The threats are perceived to be so great that the FBI has been alerted," said a source. Cruise is due to fly to London for the UK premiere on January 21. "Tom is terrified. He doesn’t feel safe anywhere," the source added. Cruise has spent $10 million on an underground bunker in the grounds of his estate in Colorado. In August, threats were made to place anthrax in the air vents of his Los Angeles office.

Just five years ago, Tom Cruise was one of the world's most beloved movie stars, starring in one critical and commercial hit after another. Now he's gonna get killed because he believes that lotion and Tic Tacs cure autism and that the devil flies around in an intergalactic DC-8 spaceship dropping hydrogen bombs into volcanoes. I can see how some people would have a problem with that. Not a problem, however, is the homeless guys I hunt on my private island. Their signed release of liability forms were designed to protect them just as much as me. I know, I know.. Sometimes I'm guilty of caring too much.

Katie Holmes in Manhattan wearing some questionable shorts: