Angelina Jolie causes erection outbreak in Haiti [Popeater]
Emily Blunt has the right idea [Popeater]
Bar Refaeli > BrooklyN Decker [Popoholic]
Alicia Keys has a big ass. Not in a good way. [TaxiDriver Movie]
I Love Love Magazine [Egotastic]
Remembering the Lingerie Bowl [COED Magazine]
Kate Moss hated Mark Wahlberg [Cele|bitchy]
Jersey Shore grandma [Cityrag]
Back to the Future sex scenes [College Humor]
Jenny McCarthy is still hot [Heyman Hustle]

My wife Megan Fox in her Super Bowl commercial. I'm not even joking when I say I would make her vagina look like Stargate:

On May 19, 2008, Jessica Alba married director’s assistant, Cash Warren, after they met on the set of Fantastic Four. Less than a month later, Alba gave birth to the couple's first child and they have been living in romantic bliss ever since. You know, except not. The Sun reports:

The stunning star, who tied the knot in 2008, has branded the institution of marriage "warped" and "a load of crap". "I had a hard time agreeing with marriage at all because I feel like it's been warped," she told Cosmopolitan magazine. "Originally, it was two families coming together to make a stronger family. It was about survival - not love or soul mates. "And now the way they market marriage - even as a kid through Disney movies - is that it's all about Prince Charming sweeping you off your feet. "There's this mentality that you need the big dress and the big day - the day every girl gets to be a princess. I didn't agree with any of that. "This tradition of obeying your husband like he's your king? It's a load of crap. Love and honour, yes. But you should love and honour yourself too, and all your friends." Which begs the question, why did she walk down the aisle in the first place? "I chose to get married because, essentially, you're given a deck of cards in life," is her cryptic answer. "The hand you were dealt with is your family and you can't choose them."

Christ. If I was Cash Warren, I'd probably turn my cell off for a while. Maybe she's bitter because he sucked every last bit of hotness he could out of her or maybe she just realized that at 30, she married the wrong person. Whether they want to admit or not, all women want to be treated like princesses and fucked like porn stars. That's it. If you can do both of those, you're golden. If you can do one of those, it may last for a while but not as long as you think. Like my penis for example.

I guess it wasn't Chris Brown's fault that he beat her and choked her out in his car last year, because apparently everyone with fifty yards wants to knock the shit out of her. Mirror UK reports:

Rihanna, Kim Kardashian and Timbaland were all sitting at the same table in Miami's Liv club, drinking bubbly and having a giggle. The DJ was spinning Ri's Run This Town - but the good vibes were about to be shattered big time. Suddenly five magnums of Laurent Perrier Rose were thrown from the balcony above, with one whistling past the Umbrella star's left arm before smashing to the floor. Someone from Rihanna's table hurled a bottle back, prompting the party above to send an even bigger jeroboam bottle hurtling down. Despite almost causing Rihanna serious injury, the yobs were shouting "touchdown" every time a bottle landed. Rihanna was screaming as American footballer-sized bouncers waded in to catch the troublemakers. The DJ then stopped Ri's track and yelled: "Everybody get the f*** out. Super Bowl is ruined." What a disaster. As Rihanna and Kim got ushered to safety, everybody else trooped out too.

This is gonna sound way more racist than it should, but if it's dark and you're drunk, it might be easy to confuse Rihanna with some sort of escaped prehistoric woodpecker that was reanimated and transported from Africa to be studied and put on display. Well, maybe that was kinda racist. In my defense, studies have shown that a lot of woodpeckers abuse the welfare system.

The 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition comes out today, and NC's own, Brooklyn Decker has the cover. But did she get a Denny's giftcard like I did when I was on the cover of Model Train Weekly? Huh? Did she?! I don't think so. Haha, suck on that Brooklynn!!

I missed these yesterday, but to be honest, I missed everything yesterday, so to make it up to you and your penis, here's Blake Lively in a bikini in Miami this weekend. I assume she was there for the Super Bowl. That, or to set the record for the most people jacking off outside of a building.

Anne Hathaway is a skinny, brunette with great tits (NSFW), so I'm basically morally obligated to post these pictures of her in GQ. Just like I'm morally obligated to post pictures of my penis on my Craigslist. Chicks think I'm deep because I have "BE" tattooed on my penis. That's before they see it actually says "BEAST MODE". They're still right about the deep part of course, but not for the reasons they initially thought.

Part 1 of The Insider's "OMG, Lindsay is a secret celebrity hoarder but we just want to show you how much cool stuff she has while we kiss her ass" is online, and Niecy Nash and Lindsay's Marlboro and semen encrusted voice take you on a magical journey of lunacy and an unintentional infomercial for shock therapy. But, oh no, Lindsay doesn't need a psychiatric professional or medication to deal with this, she needs a sassy black woman to tell us about all the "mayhem and foolishness" and "framed pitchers" all up in Lindsay's house. But Lindsay betta not get shame now, because mama is here to clean house!

Lindsay in a bikini last year because I'm lazy:

Um, yeah. ONTD says:

A Shoreview man obsessed with TV star Eliza Dushku drove to California with plans to deliver four scripts he had written to her at a charity benefit. The scripts, written over many months, were for her canceled science fiction drama "Dollhouse". The charity event was canceled and the man was reported missing but later found somewhere in L.A. Tore Simonsen, 37, was a successful lawyer until he took off to L.A behind his family's back. He was flown home by his sister however his car is still somewhere in L.A. with the scripts still in the trunk. The man now lives in a homeless shelter in Minneapolis and has made it his mission to save Eliza Dushku's show "Dollhouse". He is currently involved in some legal drama as he sought an order against Catholic Charities homeless shelter -- they wouldn't allow him to hand out Dollhouse fliers or to take their picture. Catholic Charities requested a continuance, which the judge granted, so the judicial hearing is delayed until Feb. 11.

I've never seen an episode of Dollhouse, but apparently it emits an insidious transmission through your TV that turns you into dumbass. That's why my foster mother only lets me watch porn. She even makes me cookies before we watch it. I don't know what's in them but they make me really sleepy because she knows I don't like naptime. She loves me so much!